References:
• Force Awakens Movie
• Star Wars page for Force Awakens
• Kylo Ren
• 1 Peter 5:6-9 NAS
• Ephesians 4:17-32 NAS
• Romans 7:14-25 NAS
Last night I watched the movie, “The Force Awakens.” I have been a Star Wars fan ever since I was 4 years old and saw “A New Hope” when it first came out in the theaters. I loved it back then, and I love it now. Like many people, I was not sure how good it would be. I know that J.J. Abrams did an awesome job (in my opinion) of rebooting the Star Trek franchise. So I was hoping that he would do a good job with “The Force Awakens.” And it was a very well done movie.
I thoroughly enjoyed the return of many of the original characters, including Han Solo, Luke, Leia, etc. And, think that the new characters like Finn, Rey, and Kylo Ren were done well and have awesome potential. Over the years, I have read many of the novels from the Star Wars Expanded Universe. Although I am a little disappointed that J.J. Abrams didn’t totally go that direction, I do think he did a good job with the direction that he went. And, like usual, I am eagerly looking forward to reading the novel that is based on the movie. I always find the differences between the visual movies and the written novels to be fascinating and informing. (The movies focus on the visual interpretations of what the characters do while the novel give insight into the ‘why’ they did things or “What the heck were you thinking!”)
Like most movies, I watched “The Force Awakens” both from an entertainment perspective and an analytical one. And, like usual, there were a few things that really stuck out to me. I have my opinions on several of the character reactions that were shown in the movie. But, since the movie just opened and many people haven’t seen it yet and don’t like spoilers, I will perhaps talk about them in a later blog entry.
One thing that really stood out to me was the moral wrestling that one of the main characters went through during the movie. Instead of one of the main evil characters being just ‘purely evil,’ Kylo Ren repeatedly grappled with the evil that he wanted to do and what his heart wanted. In other words, he wanted to emulate his ‘hero,’ Darth Vader and follow the Dark Side (evil) of the Force. However, throughout the movie, he kept feeling the draw back to the Light Side (good). I found this wrestling that he did to be a very good plot and character development.
Think about it… How many of us want to do go and yet wrestle with our sinful impulses? I know that I do. Paul wrote about it in his letter to the Christians in Rome (mentioned above). He knew what was write and wanted to do it (things that pleased God), but yet his sinful nature constantly pushed him to rebel against God’s Commands. Whether we want to admit to this or not, it is something that we all do. Although we know the ‘right’ things to, our nature is contrary to this. It is easier to fulfill the sinful/selfish desires of our hearts than it is to think of others.
Here we have Kylo Ren, a young man who is thirsting after the (felt) power that the Dark Side of the Force has to offer. He has heard stories (and probably read many a Star Wars universe version newspapers, magazines, and books) about his grandfather, Anakin Skywalker. The Dark Lord becomes someone he wants to emulate, becomes a real hero for. Yet, as he continues to walk down his ‘dark path,’ he continuously feels the Light Side (good) call him. On many occasions he calls to Darth Vader, to Supreme Leader Snoke, etc., for ‘help’ to help him maintain his path to the Dark Side.
While studying theology, working as a MP, and while working as Custody Staff with the Nebraska State of Corrections, I have seen many people strive to do this. Although they feel their conscience tell them that what they are doing is wrong, yet they still seek to do it. They want to enjoy the (temporary) ‘good feeling’ that indulging their sinful desires produces. And even they are constantly trying to ‘sear their conscience,’ they still feel that conviction. They still feel that conviction that what they are doing is wrong, that they are heading down the wrong path, etc.
God gave all of us a conscience to help us realize when we are doing something wrong. Just like His Laws, our conscience is there to guide us in right living. But yet, how often do we seek to ‘silence that nagging voice’ so that we can do things that gratify our sinful desires? It is a constant struggle that we all experience. Even those of us who have been walking with God for many years still feel this struggle. Someone wrongs us and we feel the ‘urge’ to exact revenge. We see something pleasing to the eye and we not just entertain thoughts about it, but want to act out on those desires. We see something that belongs to someone else and we seek to take it four ourselves.
As this year comes to a close and we prepare to celebrate Christmas, let us reflect on just how much God loves us. As John chapter 1 points out so clearly, God lowered Himself in such an incredible way. An infinite and all-powerful God allowed Himself to be born of a simple peasant girl, Mary, to grow up in a very fragile body, experiences pain, hunger, all sorts of human suffering. He chose to do this, not because He had to, but because He wanted to. So that He could redeem us from our sinfulness and enable us to have everlasting life with Him. As we wrestle with our sinful nature, as we seek to be obedient to Christ our Savior, let us remember that He has given us His Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit, working in conjunction with our conscience, is there to draw us way from the ‘Dark Side’ and back to ‘the Light.’ Let us strive to be obedient and rejoice that He still calls us back to Him. No matter how far away we may have been walking, He is always there to draw us back to Himself.
Friday, December 18, 2015
Only Celebrating the Christmas Good
References:
• 1 Peter 5:1-11 NAS
• Matthew 12:22-29 NAS
• ST Nickolas
• Krampus
This may come as a real shock to some people, but I do enjoy a good horror movie once in a while. I am not talking about the ‘slasher’ films like ‘Friday the 13’ or Freddy Kruger movies. I am talking about the suspenseful, supernatural ones. Just some of the ones that I have enjoyed are “The Village,” “Dark Valley” (more of a suspenseful movie), “The Walking Dead” series, “An Amish Murder,” (again, more suspenseful), “The Others,” amongst others. Such a movie has to have a really good plot, otherwise I will probably not finish watching it. There are quite a few movies on Netflix that I have started, but soon lost interest in.
One horror movie that I saw in the theaters this week was Krampus. ‘Who is Krampus?’ you may ask? Basically, Krampus is the demonic twin brother of ST Nickolas, according to German folklore. What’s interesting to me is that, up until this past week, I had never heard of Krampus. In college, I was a German Studies major and read quite a bit about German history. I do know that there is a strong druid-like spiritual history (as far as ancient pagan religious customs go), but I had not heard of ‘Krampus,’ before. Learn something new every day….
Every year at this time here in America, all we hear about is Santa Claus, that ‘jolly ole’ elf.’ And we are told that he knows if we’ve been ‘naughty or nice.’ Yes, I am quoting a very popular Christmas song, “Santa Clause is Coming to Town.” According to tradition, ‘good’ little boys and girls get gifts and ‘bad’ little boys and girls get lumps of coal. I don’t know about you, but while I was growing up, I usually followed the rules, but not all of the time. I always got gifts each Christmas. And, there were quite a few kids that I knew who were bullies. And I never heard of them getting coal for Christmas. Not much incentive to be good, huh?
According to German folklore, Krampus would go around Austria and southern Germany and take away all of the bad boys and girls. According to the “Who is Krampus” page, a Krampus-like character has been around for more than 2,000 years. Potentially longer. During ancient times, I am sure that some children disappeared and, because they weren’t found and no other explanation was available, it was believed that Krampus had done it. In more modern times, that is probably not believed.
It doesn’t surprise me that, here in the US, that such characters like Krampus do not become part of the mainstream culture. As people have immigrated here from other countries, many have striven to get rid of what is perceived by them (or by others) as negative aspects of their culture. Or, even though the first generation or two intended on maintaining all of their culture, it eventually got lost within the mixed culture of the United States as a whole. When ethnic groups live together within the same geographical area, there is a stronger tendency for them to maintain more of the unique aspects of their culture. The farther away they are, the less likely they are to maintain them.
But, I have noticed a more disappointing, even disturbing trend that this parallels. I grew up within the Presbyterian Church (USA) and still consider myself to be Reformed in my theology. At age three, I was adopted by a PC(USA) minister and his wife. Because of this, I grew up being very involved with church life. During this time, I learned about how we are all fallen and sinful creatures. However, I knew almost nothing about Satan, demons, Spiritual Warfare, etc. It wasn’t until I gave my life to Christ (a Road to Emmaus experience) that I really started learning about this.
Up until I gave my life to Christ in 1994, about all I knew about Satan, demons, and the like, was what I read in books and saw in movies. Most of what I was exposed to was either that they are all a farce, not real, or just a figment of one’s imagination; something that was folklore and superstition, and now have been ‘proven by science’ to not be real; or something similar. At times, they were portrayed as real, but either not very powerful or exceptionally powerful and that there was no god (or that God was not powerful enough to stop them, almost like Greek or Roman mythology).
While I was in college, I started learning how to apply all that I had learned growing up with my walk with Christ. I started learning how to discern between what was Scripturally sound and what was not. I also realized that God was calling me to ministry. So, I attended Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary (LPTS) in order to fulfill that calling. Although I knew that the seminary was predominantly moderate to liberal in theology, I was expecting a good theological education. At LPTS, the predominate theology that was taught was ‘process theology.’ (Definitions can be found here and here for your understanding.) I liken ‘process theology’ to ‘processed cheese.’ Though it has some of the right, natural (correct) beliefs, it is full of artificial ingredients, making it, as a whole, ‘impure.’ (You can find definitions/explanations here and here, and here is a side-by-side comparison for you to digest.) Not only was it taught that there was no such thing as Satan or demons, I was often looked down upon for believing that they were real. And, it was during this time that I gained a lot of ‘practical experience’ in Spiritual Warfare.
Although I believe it is important to protect children from things that are harmful, but there needs to be a balance. If one only exposes children to ‘good things’ and hides all of the bad and evil in the world from them, then you are setting them up for failure. There needs to be a wise balance with helping children understand the evil that is in the world. Life is like a rose. You have the beautiful flower, but you also have the sharp thorns. If people do not know about, and therefore do not understand, the evil, hatred, and sadness that is a part of life, then they will not be equipped with the skills necessary to deal with them. Eventually, all of us will be confronted by the evil in the world and the sinful nature within each of us. If we are not prepared to deal with it, it will rule over us. In fact, if we are not prepared to deal with such things, it will destroy us. Do we really want to set our children up for failure, for emotional and spiritual destruction?
• 1 Peter 5:1-11 NAS
• Matthew 12:22-29 NAS
• ST Nickolas
• Krampus
This may come as a real shock to some people, but I do enjoy a good horror movie once in a while. I am not talking about the ‘slasher’ films like ‘Friday the 13’ or Freddy Kruger movies. I am talking about the suspenseful, supernatural ones. Just some of the ones that I have enjoyed are “The Village,” “Dark Valley” (more of a suspenseful movie), “The Walking Dead” series, “An Amish Murder,” (again, more suspenseful), “The Others,” amongst others. Such a movie has to have a really good plot, otherwise I will probably not finish watching it. There are quite a few movies on Netflix that I have started, but soon lost interest in.
One horror movie that I saw in the theaters this week was Krampus. ‘Who is Krampus?’ you may ask? Basically, Krampus is the demonic twin brother of ST Nickolas, according to German folklore. What’s interesting to me is that, up until this past week, I had never heard of Krampus. In college, I was a German Studies major and read quite a bit about German history. I do know that there is a strong druid-like spiritual history (as far as ancient pagan religious customs go), but I had not heard of ‘Krampus,’ before. Learn something new every day….
Every year at this time here in America, all we hear about is Santa Claus, that ‘jolly ole’ elf.’ And we are told that he knows if we’ve been ‘naughty or nice.’ Yes, I am quoting a very popular Christmas song, “Santa Clause is Coming to Town.” According to tradition, ‘good’ little boys and girls get gifts and ‘bad’ little boys and girls get lumps of coal. I don’t know about you, but while I was growing up, I usually followed the rules, but not all of the time. I always got gifts each Christmas. And, there were quite a few kids that I knew who were bullies. And I never heard of them getting coal for Christmas. Not much incentive to be good, huh?
According to German folklore, Krampus would go around Austria and southern Germany and take away all of the bad boys and girls. According to the “Who is Krampus” page, a Krampus-like character has been around for more than 2,000 years. Potentially longer. During ancient times, I am sure that some children disappeared and, because they weren’t found and no other explanation was available, it was believed that Krampus had done it. In more modern times, that is probably not believed.
It doesn’t surprise me that, here in the US, that such characters like Krampus do not become part of the mainstream culture. As people have immigrated here from other countries, many have striven to get rid of what is perceived by them (or by others) as negative aspects of their culture. Or, even though the first generation or two intended on maintaining all of their culture, it eventually got lost within the mixed culture of the United States as a whole. When ethnic groups live together within the same geographical area, there is a stronger tendency for them to maintain more of the unique aspects of their culture. The farther away they are, the less likely they are to maintain them.
But, I have noticed a more disappointing, even disturbing trend that this parallels. I grew up within the Presbyterian Church (USA) and still consider myself to be Reformed in my theology. At age three, I was adopted by a PC(USA) minister and his wife. Because of this, I grew up being very involved with church life. During this time, I learned about how we are all fallen and sinful creatures. However, I knew almost nothing about Satan, demons, Spiritual Warfare, etc. It wasn’t until I gave my life to Christ (a Road to Emmaus experience) that I really started learning about this.
Up until I gave my life to Christ in 1994, about all I knew about Satan, demons, and the like, was what I read in books and saw in movies. Most of what I was exposed to was either that they are all a farce, not real, or just a figment of one’s imagination; something that was folklore and superstition, and now have been ‘proven by science’ to not be real; or something similar. At times, they were portrayed as real, but either not very powerful or exceptionally powerful and that there was no god (or that God was not powerful enough to stop them, almost like Greek or Roman mythology).
While I was in college, I started learning how to apply all that I had learned growing up with my walk with Christ. I started learning how to discern between what was Scripturally sound and what was not. I also realized that God was calling me to ministry. So, I attended Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary (LPTS) in order to fulfill that calling. Although I knew that the seminary was predominantly moderate to liberal in theology, I was expecting a good theological education. At LPTS, the predominate theology that was taught was ‘process theology.’ (Definitions can be found here and here for your understanding.) I liken ‘process theology’ to ‘processed cheese.’ Though it has some of the right, natural (correct) beliefs, it is full of artificial ingredients, making it, as a whole, ‘impure.’ (You can find definitions/explanations here and here, and here is a side-by-side comparison for you to digest.) Not only was it taught that there was no such thing as Satan or demons, I was often looked down upon for believing that they were real. And, it was during this time that I gained a lot of ‘practical experience’ in Spiritual Warfare.
Although I believe it is important to protect children from things that are harmful, but there needs to be a balance. If one only exposes children to ‘good things’ and hides all of the bad and evil in the world from them, then you are setting them up for failure. There needs to be a wise balance with helping children understand the evil that is in the world. Life is like a rose. You have the beautiful flower, but you also have the sharp thorns. If people do not know about, and therefore do not understand, the evil, hatred, and sadness that is a part of life, then they will not be equipped with the skills necessary to deal with them. Eventually, all of us will be confronted by the evil in the world and the sinful nature within each of us. If we are not prepared to deal with it, it will rule over us. In fact, if we are not prepared to deal with such things, it will destroy us. Do we really want to set our children up for failure, for emotional and spiritual destruction?
Sunday, December 13, 2015
Advent, Solitude, and Reflection
References:
• LPTS President’s Blog
• Matthew 14:13
• 1 Kings 19:9-13 NAS
• Psalm 46 NAS
I read an interesting blog entry the other day by the Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary President, Michael Jenkins, cited above. In the article, he talked about how Jesus would often seek a place of quiet rest and solitude. I found this article very interesting, especially with how things are in America today. We seem to be constantly rushing and on the go.
Although all people need time alone, some need more than others. Those of us who are introverts thrive on our ‘alone time.’ We need it to emotionally recharge, to process what we have learned and experienced, and to prepare ourselves for interacting with others. The stronger a person is as an introvert, or if one is a sensitive soul, the more alone time one will often need to ‘recharge.’ It is interesting, though, to note that there is a very big difference between just seeking solitude and ‘being quiet’ or ‘being still.’
Solitude is essentially being alone, by yourself. But, just because one is alone doesn’t mean that one is ‘being quiet.’ In our media drenched society, we have music, news, movies, all sorts of entertainment readily available, 24 hours a day, every day of the week. Many people have smart phones so that they can continuously monitor their Facebook page, their Instagram, their LinkedIn, or whatever social media that they use. Some people watch movie after movie on their smart phones or tablets, others listen to all sorts of music on Pandora or Slacker. It seems that there is noise all around us, doesn’t it?
Now, I will admit that I am listening to “The Gladiator” soundtrack while I am writing this blog entry. As I am work on writing or doing artwork, I find having some sort of classical music playing in the background very helpful. The same goes with reading, studying German, or something like that. Sometimes I will prefer to have it very quiet while I read or study, but usually I will want to some sort of background music.
However, my life is not like in the movies. When I am out for a walk, whether just to have fun and relax or because I am getting from point A to point B, I don’t have music playing in the background. Sometimes when I jog, I will have music playing, but not all the time. Especially if I am running on the road. But when I am out walking to decompress, to just think, or to enjoy all of God’s Creation, I love not having music playing. I can listen to the sound of the wind through the trees (or against the dunes if I am in the desert), the songs of the birds, etc. Not having the ‘background soundtrack’ enables me to enjoy things around me even more because I am not distracted by music.
The same is often true for when I do my devotions. I will often turn my music off when I do my devotions, have time of intense prayer, or something like that. There’s just something about making everything around quiet so that I can intently focus on what I am doing. Though this isn’t the case every single time, it is usually what I prefer to do. That way I can concentrate more on what I am reading, to drink it in, to contemplate its meaning.
Though I feel that this is a good way to approach reading God’s Word any time (in a quiet area without distractions), I believe that it is even more so during Advent and before Easter. Why’s that? Think about it… During Christmas, we are preparing ourselves for Christ’s birth, the “Word became flesh,” as John 1 puts it. We are to preparing ourselves for His first entrance into this world, knowing that He will come again. The fact that God lowered Himself to our level and came into the world as a fragile human being, is just mindboggling to me! But yet, out of His infinite love, He did that for me. And, being the foolish humans that we are, we still get distracted, look for what we want to find, or just get caught up in what drama is circling our life at this time.
When Jesus was born, all of Israel was under Roman oppression. The Jewish people know that God was going to send them a Savior, but their expectation was that God would send a mighty warrior. This warrior would lead Israel in rebellion against Rome, throw off the chains of tyranny, and Israel would be an independent nation again. Because of this kind of expectation, grounded at least partially because they were so focused on what was happening around them, that they totally missed (as a whole) that God was going into the world to redeem a fallen people.
When we allow music, news, interesting trivia or entertaining articles on the Internet, TV programs, or whatever, to be distractions to us, we miss out on important details. For example, if we are reading God’s Word while watching the news, are we really paying any attention to what God might be speaking to us about? If we are constantly going about our lives with background noise and not trying to quiet things down, how often do we miss little things? Little things like how a co-worker’s body language is speaking volumes of the pain they are carrying, or not noticing how a person is reacting to our words or actions, or even just the beautiful sounds of nature?
During this time of Advent, let us all be more purposeful in seeking some solitude, time alone. Time away from all that is distracting so that we can focus more on reading God’s Word, on praying for others, and in preparing our own hearts for remembering Christ’s birth. I know that it may be hard. Some of us have very, very hectic schedules. But yet, even just taking 5 minutes here and there to just turning things off and focus for a little while on God and His Word, I believe that it can work wonders in your life. I know it has in mine.
• LPTS President’s Blog
• Matthew 14:13
• 1 Kings 19:9-13 NAS
• Psalm 46 NAS
I read an interesting blog entry the other day by the Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary President, Michael Jenkins, cited above. In the article, he talked about how Jesus would often seek a place of quiet rest and solitude. I found this article very interesting, especially with how things are in America today. We seem to be constantly rushing and on the go.
Although all people need time alone, some need more than others. Those of us who are introverts thrive on our ‘alone time.’ We need it to emotionally recharge, to process what we have learned and experienced, and to prepare ourselves for interacting with others. The stronger a person is as an introvert, or if one is a sensitive soul, the more alone time one will often need to ‘recharge.’ It is interesting, though, to note that there is a very big difference between just seeking solitude and ‘being quiet’ or ‘being still.’
Solitude is essentially being alone, by yourself. But, just because one is alone doesn’t mean that one is ‘being quiet.’ In our media drenched society, we have music, news, movies, all sorts of entertainment readily available, 24 hours a day, every day of the week. Many people have smart phones so that they can continuously monitor their Facebook page, their Instagram, their LinkedIn, or whatever social media that they use. Some people watch movie after movie on their smart phones or tablets, others listen to all sorts of music on Pandora or Slacker. It seems that there is noise all around us, doesn’t it?
Now, I will admit that I am listening to “The Gladiator” soundtrack while I am writing this blog entry. As I am work on writing or doing artwork, I find having some sort of classical music playing in the background very helpful. The same goes with reading, studying German, or something like that. Sometimes I will prefer to have it very quiet while I read or study, but usually I will want to some sort of background music.
However, my life is not like in the movies. When I am out for a walk, whether just to have fun and relax or because I am getting from point A to point B, I don’t have music playing in the background. Sometimes when I jog, I will have music playing, but not all the time. Especially if I am running on the road. But when I am out walking to decompress, to just think, or to enjoy all of God’s Creation, I love not having music playing. I can listen to the sound of the wind through the trees (or against the dunes if I am in the desert), the songs of the birds, etc. Not having the ‘background soundtrack’ enables me to enjoy things around me even more because I am not distracted by music.
The same is often true for when I do my devotions. I will often turn my music off when I do my devotions, have time of intense prayer, or something like that. There’s just something about making everything around quiet so that I can intently focus on what I am doing. Though this isn’t the case every single time, it is usually what I prefer to do. That way I can concentrate more on what I am reading, to drink it in, to contemplate its meaning.
Though I feel that this is a good way to approach reading God’s Word any time (in a quiet area without distractions), I believe that it is even more so during Advent and before Easter. Why’s that? Think about it… During Christmas, we are preparing ourselves for Christ’s birth, the “Word became flesh,” as John 1 puts it. We are to preparing ourselves for His first entrance into this world, knowing that He will come again. The fact that God lowered Himself to our level and came into the world as a fragile human being, is just mindboggling to me! But yet, out of His infinite love, He did that for me. And, being the foolish humans that we are, we still get distracted, look for what we want to find, or just get caught up in what drama is circling our life at this time.
When Jesus was born, all of Israel was under Roman oppression. The Jewish people know that God was going to send them a Savior, but their expectation was that God would send a mighty warrior. This warrior would lead Israel in rebellion against Rome, throw off the chains of tyranny, and Israel would be an independent nation again. Because of this kind of expectation, grounded at least partially because they were so focused on what was happening around them, that they totally missed (as a whole) that God was going into the world to redeem a fallen people.
When we allow music, news, interesting trivia or entertaining articles on the Internet, TV programs, or whatever, to be distractions to us, we miss out on important details. For example, if we are reading God’s Word while watching the news, are we really paying any attention to what God might be speaking to us about? If we are constantly going about our lives with background noise and not trying to quiet things down, how often do we miss little things? Little things like how a co-worker’s body language is speaking volumes of the pain they are carrying, or not noticing how a person is reacting to our words or actions, or even just the beautiful sounds of nature?
During this time of Advent, let us all be more purposeful in seeking some solitude, time alone. Time away from all that is distracting so that we can focus more on reading God’s Word, on praying for others, and in preparing our own hearts for remembering Christ’s birth. I know that it may be hard. Some of us have very, very hectic schedules. But yet, even just taking 5 minutes here and there to just turning things off and focus for a little while on God and His Word, I believe that it can work wonders in your life. I know it has in mine.
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Hole In My Heart
Many of us have lost someone that we love. Some to old age, some to disease, some to accidents, or a myriad of many other reasons. While in seminary, I did my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) at the University of Louisville Hospital, a Level One Trauma hospital. During the summer course that I was there, I saw a very large range of injured people come in. Not all left alive. One thing that always struck me as 'interesting' was the fact that sometimes, the family were having a harder time dealing with a person's illness or injury than the patient his/herself.
The experiences that I had there have really stuck with me. In one night, July 4th of 1997, I was with three different families that lost a loved one. Each person faced the death of a loved one very differently.
Just like these other people, I have lost loved ones in my life. During my time here, I found out that someone I knew lost a close friend of his, and it had hit him really hard. Seeing how he struggled to make since with his friend's death, inspired the poem that I will be sharing here shortly. It is a summary, of sort, of the many times that I have lost a loved one. And each time left a 'hole in my heart.' It is something that time, God's Grace, and the love of others have helped to heal. So now they are scars and memories of people that I have loved and are no longer in my life. Please note that I am NOT bitter or struggling with emotional pain. Though I remember how it felt then, it is not how I feel about the memories now. One of the things that I am learning about being an INFJ is that I remember fewer of the details of things and remember more of how it 'made me feel.' It's how I am made.
I know that this poem might be a bit hard for some out there to read. If that's the case, then don't punish yourself and keep reading. Come back another time. I do hope that it can help some of you out there with dealing with a loss. You are not a lone. As many people have reminded me, there is always hope in life. Sometimes you just have to hunt for it.
A Hole In My Heart (25NOV2015)
Sitting down to watch a Christmas special, a yearly tradition…
A Christmas Carol, one that I love!
Always a call to love those around us.
The phone rings, a lady in my church speaks.
Our pastor was found dead.
Car in the garage, running…
I listen, I ask questions, I hang up…
The words now just mumblings.
No joy now in my favorite show.
A hole is now in my heart, a part taken way.
A person who I care for,
Someone who cared for me.
They are gone, but here I am,
Hurting, weeping,
or just stunned and numb.
The pain is real, the hole hurts,
but what can I do?
What can fill this hole?
Though I am adopted, I long to know
from where I came from,
who it was that created me.
After many years of waiting, I learn.
I meet the man and woman
who created me and tried to love me.
Though I was gone from their lives
for over 16 years, they had never stopped,
never stopped loving me.
A little time passed, biological mother struggled with her health.
She had a zeal for life
and love for others.
But one day, while in college,
a call came, I went numb.
One that I loved was no more.
Cindy was no longer with us,
and though I only knew her less than 2 years,
the hole in my heart was very, very real.
Being there to be a comfort to my family,
heart is aching,
a part has died.
Though I had known her just briefly
for just such a short time,
the pain sought to tear my heart in two!
After she was laid to rest, getting ready to go home,
heart burst, tears suddenly flowed,
I wept and mourned one I had hardly known.
What can I say? What can I do?
With every loss, every good-bye
there is another hole in my heart.
Many people love me. I love them.
Love helps me feel alive.
Love energizes me to help others.
People come, and then they go.
A love betrayed or one's death,
the result is yet another hole in my heart.
Each and every hole, put there by someone else.
Each hole is a love there no more.
Each hole is a permanent 'good-bye.'
Some are gone by choice,
theirs or mine.
But not all…
Some holes are there because
someone who loved me
is no longer alive.
As time goes by, eventually heal.
Kind of…
Sort of…
Over time the sharp pain becomes dull…
Though my heart heals over
there is still the scare of the hole.
Fresh experiences and fresh relationships
bring back love
and the fear of heartache to come.
For one thing I have learned
with every joyful friend,
for each who care for me,
They will eventually leave and be gone.
Be it death, betrayed friendship
or just fading off to the distance.
Every love, every relationship
will have its bitter end.
A hole in my heart.
With all the love and joy that I seek,
there is a bitter pill to take.
Do I even dare to do it again?
Another deep and powerful love arises,
one who wants to be my wife.
To cherish and to love!
But it is a deep love that is betrayed,
It cuts to the very core of my soul
a pain so beyond my words!
I weep, I shake with rage! Wrath!
I think of her, rage boils within!
Nothing can express how I feel!
I want reconciliation, a love to regrow…
Choices have been made,
The dye has been cast.
A marriage over, a grief of one dead
but yet still alive.
A grief beyond words!
Though I know that God loves me
that His love knows no bounds,
and that it is sacrificial...
It is hard to perceive, to understand…
When there are so many holes,
places of loss and of pain.
But yet, through time,
God helps me to move on,
past the brokenness and pain.
The experiences that I had there have really stuck with me. In one night, July 4th of 1997, I was with three different families that lost a loved one. Each person faced the death of a loved one very differently.
Just like these other people, I have lost loved ones in my life. During my time here, I found out that someone I knew lost a close friend of his, and it had hit him really hard. Seeing how he struggled to make since with his friend's death, inspired the poem that I will be sharing here shortly. It is a summary, of sort, of the many times that I have lost a loved one. And each time left a 'hole in my heart.' It is something that time, God's Grace, and the love of others have helped to heal. So now they are scars and memories of people that I have loved and are no longer in my life. Please note that I am NOT bitter or struggling with emotional pain. Though I remember how it felt then, it is not how I feel about the memories now. One of the things that I am learning about being an INFJ is that I remember fewer of the details of things and remember more of how it 'made me feel.' It's how I am made.
I know that this poem might be a bit hard for some out there to read. If that's the case, then don't punish yourself and keep reading. Come back another time. I do hope that it can help some of you out there with dealing with a loss. You are not a lone. As many people have reminded me, there is always hope in life. Sometimes you just have to hunt for it.
A Hole In My Heart (25NOV2015)
Sitting down to watch a Christmas special, a yearly tradition…
A Christmas Carol, one that I love!
Always a call to love those around us.
The phone rings, a lady in my church speaks.
Our pastor was found dead.
Car in the garage, running…
I listen, I ask questions, I hang up…
The words now just mumblings.
No joy now in my favorite show.
A hole is now in my heart, a part taken way.
A person who I care for,
Someone who cared for me.
They are gone, but here I am,
Hurting, weeping,
or just stunned and numb.
The pain is real, the hole hurts,
but what can I do?
What can fill this hole?
Though I am adopted, I long to know
from where I came from,
who it was that created me.
After many years of waiting, I learn.
I meet the man and woman
who created me and tried to love me.
Though I was gone from their lives
for over 16 years, they had never stopped,
never stopped loving me.
A little time passed, biological mother struggled with her health.
She had a zeal for life
and love for others.
But one day, while in college,
a call came, I went numb.
One that I loved was no more.
Cindy was no longer with us,
and though I only knew her less than 2 years,
the hole in my heart was very, very real.
Being there to be a comfort to my family,
heart is aching,
a part has died.
Though I had known her just briefly
for just such a short time,
the pain sought to tear my heart in two!
After she was laid to rest, getting ready to go home,
heart burst, tears suddenly flowed,
I wept and mourned one I had hardly known.
What can I say? What can I do?
With every loss, every good-bye
there is another hole in my heart.
Many people love me. I love them.
Love helps me feel alive.
Love energizes me to help others.
People come, and then they go.
A love betrayed or one's death,
the result is yet another hole in my heart.
Each and every hole, put there by someone else.
Each hole is a love there no more.
Each hole is a permanent 'good-bye.'
Some are gone by choice,
theirs or mine.
But not all…
Some holes are there because
someone who loved me
is no longer alive.
As time goes by, eventually heal.
Kind of…
Sort of…
Over time the sharp pain becomes dull…
Though my heart heals over
there is still the scare of the hole.
Fresh experiences and fresh relationships
bring back love
and the fear of heartache to come.
For one thing I have learned
with every joyful friend,
for each who care for me,
They will eventually leave and be gone.
Be it death, betrayed friendship
or just fading off to the distance.
Every love, every relationship
will have its bitter end.
A hole in my heart.
With all the love and joy that I seek,
there is a bitter pill to take.
Do I even dare to do it again?
Another deep and powerful love arises,
one who wants to be my wife.
To cherish and to love!
But it is a deep love that is betrayed,
It cuts to the very core of my soul
a pain so beyond my words!
I weep, I shake with rage! Wrath!
I think of her, rage boils within!
Nothing can express how I feel!
I want reconciliation, a love to regrow…
Choices have been made,
The dye has been cast.
A marriage over, a grief of one dead
but yet still alive.
A grief beyond words!
Though I know that God loves me
that His love knows no bounds,
and that it is sacrificial...
It is hard to perceive, to understand…
When there are so many holes,
places of loss and of pain.
But yet, through time,
God helps me to move on,
past the brokenness and pain.
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