To me, it's almost ironic... I started to write this post several months ago. At that time, I had a particular theme in mind. But, like many 'moments of inspiration,' I started writing and then stepped away to do something, didn't write my ideas down, and now they have faded away.
But, I am continuing with this post because, life is still changing. Also I cannot remember what spurred my initial post, many other 'inspirational things' have happened. So, I will write about those...
One of the things that has changed for me is my overall attitude towards my work. I grew up a pastor's kid and decided that being a pastor of a church would be the last thing I would ever do. Instead, I wanted to pursue a career in the military, work overseas, etc. Something excited, not boring like (my stereotypical idea of) a pastor. Fast forward to while I was in college, I gave my life to Christ in January of 1994. That following fall, I started feeling God's call to, what I perceived at the time, as God's calling to full-time ministry. And, I logically thought that it meant pastoring in a church or doing some sort of missionary work.
Upon graduating from Centre College, I pursued a Master's of Divinity (M. Div.) at Louisville Presbyterian Theological Seminary, graduating in 2000. But, near the completion of my M. Div., my hopes of being ordianed in the Presbyterian Church (USA) were smashed. (It's a bit of a long story, something for another blog entry.) So my wife, at the time, and I moved from Kentucky to Indiana, and then to Colorado Springs, CO. It was in Colorado Springs that she, her parents, and I decided that the best move to make was to join the military. So, I joined the US Army as a Specialist (because of my college education) and started my military training. After my training, I was stationed at FT Bragg in North Carolina, with the 82nd Airborne Division.
Due to problems betwen the two of us, we were divorced three days before what would have been our third year anniversary. It was soon after that that I began my first of several deployments to Iraq. During this time, I once again tried to seek ordination with the Presbyterian Church (USA), but it, again, fell flat.
As my first four years of Enlistment were ending, I spent a lot of time thinking and praying about what direction God wanted me to go. During my last year of Enlistment, which included me earning my E5 (Sergeant), I continued to feel that God wanted me to leave Active Duty, go into the Nebraska National Guard, and be closer to my parents. I was on unemployment insurance or about 6 months. Towards the end of that time, I finally applied for a job that I did not want, working with the Nebraska Deparment of Correctional Services. Although I had becomse content with pastoring a church (had done some student pastor work and did pulpit supply on a few occassions), working with inmates in a prison was not something that I wanted to do, at all! Oddly enough, it seems that working at the prsino was where God did want me to work.
After working for NDCS for several years, deploying again to Iraq (2006-07 and 2010-11), my current wife, Sharon, and I felt that God was calling me to leave NDCS to pursue ministry with the United Methodist Church. But, after about 8 months, just after our second child, Morgan had been born, I was 'let go' from that position. Although Sharon found work in Omaha a few months after this, our preference was that I would work and she would be a stay-at-home-mom. So, I continued to look for full-time employment, avoiding returning to work with NDCS. During the whole time, my prayer had been, "God, only have me hired at the place that You want me to work." So, after almost 18 months of frustration and very few call-backs/interviews, I finally re-applied to work at the same prison that I had worked for about five years previously.
And, I have to admit, I was a bit upsent when I had hired very quickly to work back at the same prison. Not what I wanted! But, since I would be taking home about as much as my wife was making in Omaha, after all of the gas, we figured that it was a fair trade. Although there had been some turnover at the prison, there was still a number of familiar faces there.
So, here I am... Going from running from God, to embracing Him.. Going from seeking an action-packed life to a (in my opinion) pursuing a boring one of ministry. Then, I went from single to being married (rushing into it), and then getting divorced after just under three years of marriage. Going from Active Duty to the Nebraska National Guard... Going from being divorced to remarried (Sharon's first marriage), to just having one kid, to now having two children. At times, I felt like a ping pong ball, going back and forth between different things.
For a long time, one thing had not changed, my resentment to God for having me work in a prison. It wasn't because I wasn't good, I was able to do my job very well. But, I felt like a square peg being slammed into a too small, round hole. But, over the last year or so, that has slowly changed... Somewhat...
While being posted in the kitchen, I started becoming more aware of the fact that many people, staff and inmates, greatly appreciated how I did things. Most importantly, I sought to know and enforce the rules, and that I strove to be as fair as possible to everyone. Needless to say, some inmates did not like it at all, that I sought to know the rules (in general and particular to that post). That's a given and why some of the people are in prison. But, there are many others who greatly appreciated how I do things.
I rotated from the kitchen to relief (filling in for someone who was out on training, had a day off, sick, etc.), and then to working in the Special Management Unit on the gallery that has three observation units. This particular gallery has some of the more disruptive or difficult inmates, as well as observation rooms for those who are on Plan due to suicided/inflicting self injury, etc. I knew this would be a very difficult gallery to work, and initially sought to bid out of it so that I would work someplace else.
After a couple of weeks, I realized something. Although the gallery had been difficult initially, things slowly changed. Because the inmates saw that they could count on my trying to be as fair as possible, doing everything to the best of my ability, and sought to take care of their needs as I was made aware of them. Within about two months, things got to the point to where I actually didn't mind working on that gallery. Of course, my prayer on the way to work each morning was that I would not have any 15 minutes checks (because of someone being on suicide watch, unusual behavior, etc.) In fact, I was often questioned, "Are you going to be here tomorrow?" Because they knew if I was, that I would address what ever the issue they were anticipating to the best of my ability. If someone else was going to be there, it would be hit or miss.
I have worked for the NDCS for almost 8 years now, working on my 'second number.' That is, a joke amongst us in Corrections about working for corrections, leaving, and then coming back. A person who has been in prison at different times in his or her life will have two or more numbers. I am on my 'second number.' Anyways... It has been a slow process, what God has done with me over the years. Corrections has never been my first choice. It is a profession that I would rather not work. But, in the last year or so, God has helped me to realize just how He has wanted to use me to touch the lives of others, staff and inmate alike. It has not been an easy change. In fact, I still am not 'thrilled' about this particular career. But, I am more appreciative what God wants to do through me.
On top of this, yet another change in my life. Early last year, my National Guard (NG) Unit was giving a 'head's up' that we were being looked at for possible deployment to the Middle East. This summer, we found out that we were, in fact, being deployed to the Middle East. After three deployments to Iraq, though, I am going to someplace else (another entry at a later date). This is a challenging and awkward situation for my family and myself. To add to that, as I was informing co-workers and friends at the prison, several said, "You are coming back to work here, right?!" This was not only co-workers (Officers and Corporals) but also a number of the leadership (Sergeants and Lieutenants). At first, I didn't take these comments to heart. But, after receiving several from many different people, including from the leadership, it really got me thinking... Just how much of an impact have I had on the lives of other people? Just what kind of ministry was God doing through me? Just how much had my negative attitude hindered my ministry, but yet how much has God allready done through me? Inspite of my 'piss-poor' attitude on many occassions?!
Through out life, we will all face many, many changes. Life altering changes. These can be positive, like a promotion or marriage or birth of a wanted childed, or they can be negative, like the death of a loved one. All relationships change. The same relationship with one person, even a sibling, can change from being extremely close, to going sour, to there being reconnection and even more depth in love and affection. Or, it could wither away totally. Only God knows. But, change will happen in all parts of our lives. The most important thing is how we deal with those changes? Will we accept them, become bitter from them, learn and grow, or stagenate and possibly even regress?
