Monday, September 7, 2015

God is Not Dead

References:
- “God's Not Dead” on imdb
- “God's Not Dead” official site
- Matthew 16:24-28 NAS
- John 3:22-35 NAS

This evening I watched a movie with my roommate called “God's Not Dead.” I have seen a number of Christian/Faith based movies over the years. Some I have enjoyed, but quite a few I have not. I enjoy a movie that has a good, though out plot, good acting, and has meaning. A pet peeve of mine is a movie that is shallow or is just cliché-ish. There are several Christian movies that I have seen over the years that are very good, “Faith Like Potatoes” (which used to be on Netflix) and “Rumors of Wars” (currently on Netflix) are two that I have enjoyed. “The Prince of Egypt,” “The Passion of the Christ” and several of the Veggie Tales are other movies that I have enjoyed.

Unfortunately, I have also seen quite a few faith based movies that I quickly lost interest in. Either because they seemed to be shallow or unrealistic. It has been very frustrating to me trying to find a good, wholesome faith-based movie. I have been walking with Christ since January of 1994 and have faced many, many difficulties. I have experienced many things that have challenged my faith and forced me to grow as a person and as a Christian. Although I have not understood all that I have endured, I have trusted God to guide me through them. Not just that, but I trust God to use my experiences for His glory.

The standard plot of any movie is that a person faces a problem and how he or she overcomes this difficulty. They have a beginning, a middle, and an end. Any good story needs to have this. For a faith-based film, the central theme is how God helps a person get from point A to point B. A well made faith-based movie can show just that if the plot is developed well. However, at least to me, many of these films seem very shallow in how they address problems. To some extent every movie is going to have its problems. In reality, you can only do so much within 80 to 200 minutes (one hour 20 minutes to 2 hours and twenty minutes, the typical length of a movie). However, many faith-based movies seem way too cliché-ish and shallow with how they address the issues in the movie.

From my experiences in ministry (both paid and volunteer), I have learned that there are often no easy answers. When someone is going through a difficult time, it is sometimes more important to walk through that difficulty with them instead of trying to 'help them find answers.' There have been times when I have sought to share a burden with someone. Instead of sharing it with me by listening, they have sought to 'answer my questions' outright. That is, to try and solve the problem instead of letting me verbalize what I was feeling and just being there for me. And, unfortunately, I know I have done that to others. We are all guilty of that. Although we knew that trying to answer people who are sharing a burden is a good way to shut them down, why do some people feel it needs to be done in a movie?

From my experiences in ministry, in the Army, and in corrections, I have realized that there are often no 'easy answers.' There are things that I have struggled to understand for many years. One that I continue it wrestle with is why did God call me to get a Master's of Divinity, but then not open the door for full-time ministry? The longest that I have worked a paid ministry position, outside of seminary, is 8 months. That was while I was seeking ordination with the United Methodist Church in Nebraska. I was thoroughly enjoying ministering to others and I could see God using me to touch lives. Because of my personality and military and corrections backgrounds, God used me to connect with several people in the communities that I was serving. These were people that other minister would have a hard time relating to. One was a Vietnam Vet who felt that others just did not understand him. However, we connected during our first conversation and had several very enjoyable conversations after that.

But yet, that door of ministry was closed less than a year after it had initially opened. While job hunting for almost a year, I earnestly prayed that God would only open the door for employment that He wanted me to enter. Eventually God did open the door for employment, once again with the Nebraska Department of Corrections. Although I did not want to return to this kind of work, I choose to be obedient and accepted the position when it was offered. God has opened some very interesting doors to me for ministering to others, both staff and inmates. But, it is not the kind of work that I would have chosen.

As a child, I had known that I was adopted. The only specifics, though, were that I had been born in South Dakota and that my biological mother had been 16 and my biological father had been 21 when I had been born. I had no idea if I had any siblings, if my biological parents were still alive, specifically why they had given me up for adoption, etc. When I turned 18, my adopted Father followed through upon his promise that, when I turned 18, he would help me try and contact my biological parents. This is, assuming that they wanted to be contacted. And it turned out that they did. In the spring of 1991, I started talking with members of my biological family and reconnecting with them. This was a dream come true to me!

In January of 1993, my biological Mother, Cindy (Zeeb) Packard, died because of health problems. I was astounded and heartbroken that this happened. Not even two years after I had first started talking with her, I felt that she had been stolen from me. I wasn't as angry with God about it as some other members of my (biological) family were, but I was still grieved that I would not be able to get to know here more. Because I had grow up a pastor's kid, though I was not walking with God at this time, I have a vague notion that God has a reason for allowing it to happen. My (half-)sister grew up with Cindy, had known her well (not to mention Cindy's mother and sisters) and they were very upset about loosing Cindy before she had turned 36. For me, having known her for less than 2 years….

Although I sometimes feel some sadness for her loss, I focus on the short time that I did have with her. I also rejoice that I am in contact with other members of her family. Considering how bad her health was at the time I had first made contact with her, I now realize that God was showing us both His Grace to have some time together. But, it has taken a number of years to really recognize and accept that.

Too often, people seek to give out 'pet answers' to others when they are dealing with heartache and loss. Sometimes it's to fill that 'awkward silence.' Sometimes they say things that they feel sound good, or assume that the person is looking for answers. And it could be that he or she is looking for answers. However, especially while they are initially experiencing the pain of loss or because of other difficulties, most people are just seeking someone to walk with them. Unless a person specifically asks what someone else things about a situation, it is better to just be there with them. And when they do ask, one has to be very careful with responding. And many times, it needs to be a dialogue over a period of times, honestly wrestling with the issue, than a 'one size fits all quote.' And I know how easy it is to try and offer such a thing.

There are many things that defy understanding. The loss of a young child to cancer, an accident, or because someone purposely took their life is just one of many things. Callously telling a grieving mother that had a stillborn, “Oh, if you had had enough faith and prayed hard enough, this would have not happened,” is gross kind of irresponsibility and it thoroughly disgusts me. I do believe that God always answers prayers, but not always the way we expect. On this side of Heaven, there are few things we will understand. It is our human nature to want to understand and to control. But yet, many times God calls us to walk in faith, in spite of not understanding. It is just gross spiritual arrogance to think such a thing. And, doing so can cause deep emotional and spiritual wounds.

An example comes to my mind that I have experienced. When I first joined the Army, I was married to a young woman. Because of her emotional and mental health issues, I was experiencing great difficulties. For over a year, I had been trying to work with her to face them. Unfortunately though, she refused to do so. On top of that, she and her parents were trying to manipulate me into believing that all of her problems were my fault. After lots of wrestling in prayer and talking with godly people that I trusted, I realized that divorce might be the only good option for me. Please understand, I knew that God does not like divorce and I was not thinking about it haphazardly. At one point, I talked with a Chaplain's Assistant at the base where I was training. I explained the situation (without names) and asked for prayers that God would help me do the right thing. The next thing I knew, the Chaplain Assistant started telling me how much God hates divorce and how I had to be reconciled to my wife. Instead of showing me Christ's love and helping me, he did the exact opposite. I admit, I had a very hard time not saying anything in response and just walking away.

For me, quite a few of the faith-based movies that I have seen come across like the above example. To be able to get all that they want within the 90ish minutes of the movie, and 'to provide good answers' to very hard theological questions, they make the unfortunate mistake of 'providing a pat answer' with plenty of Scripture quotes. This could be done well, if it is wrestled with through out the movie. But, it has to be done intelligently and with the understanding that not everything will be understood. Unfortunately though, this often not the case. Instead, at a 'critical juncture' late in the movie, a pastor or other person pulls out a Bible, quotes a Scripture or two, and then the 'problem is solved.' That is not real life. That is a very good way to turn people off from God's Grace and healing.

The only thing that I think the writers of “God's Not Dead” could have done to make things a little less 'cheesy' was to cut out one or two sub-plots. During the movie, they looked at the lives and struggles of at least 7 different people. In real life on a large college campus, there are literately thousands of people interacting on any given day. Each with their own joys and struggles. However, to make a 90ish minute movie good, I think they should have focused more on 4 or 5 main characters. One relationship I wish they would have explored in more depth was the young Muslim woman, Ayisha (played by Hadeel Sittu). She had been a 'closet Christian' within her Muslim family. Developing more her story, especially with the Missionary from Africa, Rev. Jude (see below), I think would have really helped the movie. That's just my opinion.

There were two things that I thought the writers did well. One was how they portrayed the atheist professor and developed why he was an atheist. They showed how he was very proud of his 'anti-god' ideas, how he almost always had a very good comeback (pat answer), and how they allowed him to be developed throughout the movie. The other thing I really liked was the 'challenges' that the minister and his missionary friend had with taking a trip. Instead of just spouting out 'pat answers' about how 'it has to be God wanting us to do something,' they focused instead of 'let's just trust God.' They then just 'rolled with the punches.' Through out the movie, it became clear that part of the plot was that God wanted to use them to touch the lives of others. Because they allowed themselves to be available, even though they were not where they had planned, God used them to touch several lives. Then, God allowed them to take their trip.

It has been my experience that we rarely appreciate or understand why we are going through something at that particular time. It is almost always later on that we see how God used our experience, or just our availability, to touch the life of another. Sometimes we don't get that glimpse on this side of Heaven. It depends on what God wants us to know. In the movie, one can tell that the missionary from Africa (Rev. Jude, played by Benjamin A. Onyango) had a better understanding of walking with God 'in the moment' and just being available. It wasn't that the pastor, Rev. Dave (played by David A.R. White). But, though he challenged the minister with this, he did not come across as patronizing him. To me at least he didn't. Instead, it was a more mentoring “follow my lead” kind of response to Rev. Dave being frustrated with the whole situation. I really liked how they did that.

All in all, I think that the move, “God's Not Dead” was very good. It didn't just through out 'pet answers' to solve all of the problems. And, to their credit, they did not try to wrap up every problem within the movie. For example, the woman who finds out she has cancer, the last thing the show is several Christian people taking the time to listen to her and then pray for her. There were other things that they allowed to 'just leave you hanging.' That's real life, and I am glad that the movie reflected that. There are suggestions for how to understand things, but I didn't get the sense that 'you can only understand them from this perspective.' I also liked how they played out the philosophical debate. But, I will make you watch the movie to learn more.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

Mr. Holmes and the Human Heart

References:
- Mr. Holmes (the movie
- Ephesians 4:1-16 NAS
- Jeremiah 17:1-18 NAS

I went to the theater here on base and watched a very interesting movie earlier this evening. It wasn't a movie that I was initially planning on seeing, mainly because I was just looking at the titles quickly and not carefully. But, when I read the titles more carefully, two stood out as ones that I would probably like. One of them was the one that I saw this evening, “Mr. Holmes.” It stars Ian McKellen as an aged Sherlock Holmes struggling with memory issues and 'solving one last case.' If you enjoy a good thriller, a “who done it?” or movie with lots of plot twists, this would be a good movie for you. Although I like Benedict Cumberbatch a little better as Sherlock Holmes, I believe that Ian KcKellen did a very good job.

In “Mr. Holmes,” Sherlock struggles with his memory and 'solving' a crime that had happened 30+ years prior. For those who might not be familiar with who Sherlock Holmes is, he is a fictional character created by Scottish author and physician Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. In my researching for this article (done over a period of a few hours, so not exhaustive or extremely in depth), I came a cross two interesting articles. One on his methodology (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/shadow-boxing/201301/mind-sherlock-holmes) and one what his IQ might be (http://wellingtongoose.tumblr.com/post/44097596230/sherlock-iq-and-the-concept-of-genius). Although it is very likely that Sherlock Holmes is an intelligent person, much of what he does is through very focused training. Over the years, he developed very honed skills in deductive reasoning, keen observation, and keeping his mind relaxed in order to piece together all of the information that he had gathered.

Although Holmes has very keen senses for gathering evidence and reading a person's intentions and where they have been, he isn't very good at social cues. It is probably one of his greatest flaws, that he is not comfortable in social settings and interacting with large groups of people. He often comes across as brash or cold. He does care about some people very deeply (Watson being one of them), but he does not have a very large circle of friends. And, part of the plot for this movie is the fact that, though he is very intelligent and can read a person well, his understanding of a person is flawed. Although he correctly deducts how one character in the movie was planning on acting and made a logical suggestion to someone, the consequences of his actions were huge and not what he had intended. I will not spoil the plot for those who don't like spoilers by discussing this any further, but it was important to highlight this.

It was this character flaw that Holmes had that, according to the movie plot, drove him to exiling himself into the English countryside. And, it is something that I believe that we can all learn from. First of all, from a Christian perspective, we have to remember that our sinful nature taints all that we think, say, and do. That is, all that we think and do is tainted by self-interest and self-preservation to some degree. Though some people learn to be more 'self-less,' this sinful nature is with us our entire natural life here on earth. Although a person may have good intentions with what they want to say or do, how it is expressed becomes tainted to some degree. For some people who are highly manipulative, this can be apparent. For those who have more honest intentions, the 'sin-taining' is less noticeable.

In some professions, being able to 'read a person,' is extremely important. If a person is a police officer, a politician, a lawyer, or even a pastor, one needs to be able to read others' body language very well. One needs to be able to observe how someone is reacting to what they are saying and doing, in order to assess what needs to be done next. As someone who has trained for the ministry and has worked in corrections, I have gained some skill in this area.

For example, funerals incorporate many things, including 'saying good-bye,' memories, traditions, developing closure, etc. In helping a family start developing some closure to their loss, I have to learn what was important to them and to the person who has died. This, of course, requires me to ask lots of questions. But, because people are struggling with their loss and often raw with emotion, care must be used with how I ask questions. Or, sometimes to just wait. It is both a science and an art. And every person is different. So, what might have worked with one person might have very bad consequences at another time.

Working in corrections is similar, to a point. As custody staff at a maximum security prison, I deal with very dangerous people on a daily basis. In order to do my job well, I need to be able to effectively read a person or a group of people well. Not just with tone of voice, body posturing, how they interacting with others, but also with what they might be doing that isn't normal. It takes getting to know a person or a group of people and being very mindful of all that is going on all around. It is something that I have been learning to do over the years, and something that I will continue to hone. Some people have much better skill than I do in this area. However, I may still better pick up on one type of issue than someone else would. For example, I would probably be more likely to notice if someone was having a personal issue or having an emotional problem. That's because of my ministry background. Someone else might be able to just step out onto a yard and realize that someone is planning to initiate a fight because of the 'tone in the air.' I might realize that something 'isn't right,' but not know exactly what it is.

Whether one is using deductive skills to solve a crime or 'reading' a person in order to do counseling, knowledge only goes so far. Knowing how to apply one's knowledge in an appropriate manner is just as important. Even if a detective knows how crime was committed, his or her work is made much easier if the suspect confesses to the crime. The detective has to convince the suspect that it is in his or her best interest to acknowledge their wrong doing. If the suspect does not, then the detective has a lot more work to do with convincing a jury that a person commit a certain crime, at a certain place, within a certain time period, etc. A detective also has to be able to properly interview witnesses and victims so that they can get the most accurate information possible. If the detective is not careful how he or she gathers their information, they could lose the case and a criminal could go free. On the other hand, if a detective does not investigate a crime thoroughly or allows biases to misdirect him or her, an innocent person could go to jail.

Although I have not been ordained, I have done a lot of ministry work over the years. Sometimes in a paid position, other times as a volunteer. A co-worker, family member, or inmate has often asked me about a spiritual and/or personal issue. On many occasions, although there may have been a quick answer to the question asked, there was a deeper need that was really needing to be addressed. For example, I remember talking with several inmates over the years about angels and demons or something having to do with spirits. During the conversations, the inmate will often try to blame bad choices on something spiritual. At that time, I will often share with him (I work in a male prison) an observation a good friend had shared with me. While in seminary, a man who was a spiritual mentor reminded me that, at times, we can be our own worst enemies. While there are angelic and demonic forces out there, our own sinful nature and desire to avoid negative consequences are often what causes things to happen. Or even our own negative attitudes towards a person or situation that color how one responds. This has challenged the inmates to reconsider what they had been thinking.

God calls us in the Ephesians passage to always share God's Truth, but with love. Although, because we all have a sinful nature, we will never be able to do this perfectly in this world. But, as we seek to be more Christ-like (sanctification), God can help us to share His Word in ways that honor Him. It is a life-long process. And it can be extremely difficult at times to do so. I don't know how many times I have said something to a friend or family member and, though it was the truth and meant to help them, the way that I said it was poor at best. Because of how I said something, I made them angry and pushed them away. When words are used harshly, or even just poorly, it can leave deep emotional wounds. In the movie “Mr. Holmes,” how Sherlock Holmes choose to confront one person had very profound and life changing repercussions. How we interact with others can have just as profound of an effect. In fact, if we are not paying attention to what or how someone is talking to us, we can respond in a way that causing them to close down instead of opening up. As in the case of “Mr. Holmes,” this caused a person to loose their life. Let us earnestly seek God's help to listen to others and to help them with a loving spirit.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Religious Corruption

Scripture to Read:
- John 2:12-25 NAS
- Jeremiah 7:1-15 NAS
- Matthew 21:12-13 NAS
- Mark 11:15-17 NAS
- Luke 19:45-47 NAS

In a Bible Study that I help lead, we have been studying the Gospel of John. We just recently finished talking about Chapter 2 and thought I would share a couple of things that really stood out to me. I hope that there are something that can help you in your walk with God.

In the John passage, we Jesus going to Jerusalem for the Passover. This is a celebration of the miraculous way that God lead the Hebrew people out of bondage in Egypt (Exodus 20 NAS). It is a very significant celebration for the Hebrew people. Not only was it a miraculous leading out of bondage of slavery, but God used it to point us to when He would eventually lead us out of bondage to sin (something I will discuss in detail at another time). In reading the Old Testament, one will see that animal sacrifices played a very, very important role in the Jewish worship.

With the sacrifices, God called His people to bring an animal without blemish (not sick, lame, injured, etc.). Why might this be? Because the animal sacrifices were to 'cover up' our sins, it was to be something that cost us. Just as the sins that we commit cause damage in our relationships with God and with others, making amends should not 'be cheap.' Ever have someone do something wrong against you and then apologize in such a way that you questioned their sincerity? In a way, that was how bringing 'damaged goods' for a sacrifice to God would be. Think about it, how sincere do you think God would see you if you kept animals that were healthy and only brought the 'left overs' or that which was of little value to you? I talk about this idea a little more in depth in my blog entry concerning Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s book, “Cost of Discipleship.” Because God knows our thoughts and attitudes, this is something important to keep in mind.

Because of the danger of people not bringing their best for offerings, the religious leaders during Jesus time provided animals for sacrifice. Now, having animals available would be helpful to people in two ways. First of all, it would ensure that animals that met the “without blemish” aspect were available. Secondly, for some people who had to travel long distances to make sacrifices at the Temple, this would be a good option. Travelers would not have to worry about the animal(s) they brought for their sacrifice becoming sick or injured on the way. However, instead of having animals available for people to buy, people were only allowed to use the animals that they provided. And, the Pharisees could charge what ever price they wanted.

Because Roman money had a picture of Caesar, who was considered to be a god of sorts, the religious leaders did not want that money in the Temple. Nor did they want that kind of money being used to purchase animals for sacrifice. (See these articles on 'money changers:' here and here). God's intent was that the Priests would live off of parts of certain sacrifices and off of the money collected yearly. Instead of being content with how God wanted to provide for them, they chose to force people to give them more money.

In the Jeremiah passage, two things were being addressed. One was the Jewish people's trusting the presence of God's Temple for their protection. The Jewish people believed that since the Temple, where God dwelt, was in Jerusalem, God would protect them so that it would not be destroyed. However, God told them through Jeremiah that this was not the case. God would not protect them merely because of the presence of His Temple was there. He would Divinely protect them because of their devotion to Him and following His Laws. In short, the Jewish people were making an idol out of of the Temple building and the sacrifices. Instead of genuine repentance of sin and seeking to whole-heartily follow God, they went through the motions of religious worship.

A large portion of the Priests during Jeremiah's time were spiritually corrupt. God's intent was that the Priests were to be the moral and religious leaders to God's people. Because they were not correcting the people and were leading corrupt lives themselves, God viewed them as being like robbers. The thing is, the Hebrew word, פריץ (pronounced per-eets') is better translated as 'violent one, breaker, robber, murderer' (). Pretty harsh, huh? You might be wondering how this may tie in to what Jeremiah and Jesus addressing in their respective situations. I will try to clarify that.

In the Old Testament, God repeatedly referred to idolatry a spiritual form of adultery. One has to remember that covenants (a legal kind of agreement) was, and still is, very important. We see time and again God making a covenant with a person or a people (for example, Abraham, Moses, and the Hebrew people). A covenant has to have two or more people or groups come together to agree on the benefits and consequences for a given covenant. With Israel, God promised to not just protect them if they were obedient to Him, but that He would richly bless them. In contrast, if they chose to disobey God, He would bring about a variety of punishments. When the nation of Israel came into being, the Priests were charged with leading worship and being the moral compass of the nation. When they became corrupt, the people in turn followed and became corrupt. Although we are all human and make mistakes, there is a difference between unintentionally leading someone astray and purposely doing so.

In Jeremiah's time, many of the Priests were not executing or teaching God's justice. They were seeking their own selfish aims. One aspect was teaching that because the Temple was in Jerusalem, the Hebrew people would be protected. Between this belief, allowing idolatry (worship of Baal and other foreign gods), and perverting justice, God saw them as being no better than violent thieves and murderers. Although they may not be actually committing armed robbery or murderer to the physical body, they were not teaching the people of Israel how to obey God. They were, in fact, leading them astray with false teachings. So, in a very real sense, they were committing these heinous crimes of armed robbery and murder in a spiritual form. They were preventing the people of Israel from repenting of their sins and returning to God. Not just that, but they were often receiving bribes for perverting justice. In leading the Hebrew people astray, they were preventing the people of having a relationship with God. This would, in turn, further their spiritual bondage and prevent them from being reconciled to God. Therefore, they would continue to be 'dead in their sins' instead of being 'alive' by having a healthy relationship with God.

When the Pharisees and Sadducee did similar things during Jesus' time, it starts to make sense why Jesus would reference Jeremiah's speech. Although theologians differ on which religious holiday it was that Jeremiah did his speech in Jeremiah 7, it is very possible that it could have been the Passover. If it had been during Passover in Jeremiah 7, then it makes more sense for Jesus to quote him while he is driving out the money changers and those selling animals. Although the passage in John does not refer to the people that Jesus drove out as 'robbers,' the authors of Matthew, Luke and Mark do. The word that they use is λεστες (pronounced lace-tace'). The meaning of that Greek word is 'a robber, plunderer, freebooter, brigand.' All of these words have a sense of someone using force to take things from someone else.

You are probably wondering how this might apply to each of us. When a person is entrusted with the care of someone else, it is important that he or she execute that role in a responsible manner. This is reflected in the Jeremiah and Gospel passages shows how important it is to God. In all of the above passages, God had very harsh words for the religious leaders who were leading His people away from Him. Their role was extremely important. They were to teach God's chosen people how to obey God. In obeying God, they would experience life (being spiritually connected to God and receiving His blessings). Instead, the religious leaders were teaching disobedience to God. This, in turn, prevented the people from returning to Him. It wasn't that they were not fulfilling their calling as caretakers, they were using their position for their own gain.

Every society has laws for people to live by. Whether in the military or the civilian world, we have laws governing how people are to lead others. The leader is charged with taking care of those he or she are responsible. Whether is a parent responsible for the upbringing of a child, a teacher charged with correctly instructing his or her students, or a police officer in charge of the public's safety, there are consequences for not doing their job. Whether by negligence or on purpose, those who do not fulfill their position of responsibility are to be held accountable. It is the same for those that God has charged with the spiritual well-being of His people. God will hold each of us accountable for how we shepherd His people. For all leaders, we can do great harm physically, emotionally, economically, etc., when we make the wrong decisions. Some consequences can be short-term or long-term. But for those of us that God has called to shepherd His people, our bad decisions can have eternal consequences. We must always keep this in mind, seeking God's insight and strength to lead His people in ways that honor Him. Though we are human and make mistakes, we must not purposely chose to lead His people astray. Do you not want to receive God's blessings for obedience? I know that I do. Let us earnestly seek to lead with integrity, with compassion, and to lead people to God and not away.

Sunday, August 16, 2015

Prone to Thoughts and Lists

This entry is kind of a summary of things that I have been pondering the last few days. Because my lower back acted up last week and I have been very limited with what I can do physically, I have been doing a lot of pondering. Well, to be honest, I have been doing a lot of movie watching on Netflix as well. But, being a contemplating person at heart…

Over the last several years, I have had intermittent problems with my lower back. When ever that has happened, I usually do what I can to entertain myself and keep my mind off of the pain. This instance is no exception. In the past, I would usually watch movie after movie that I had. Sometimes I would do a particular theme like Star Wars or Star Trek. Other times I would just put in what ever movie was the easiest to get to and sounded decent. Unfortunately, when one's lower back hurts, the more one leans, or even just moves, the more painful it is.

Although I love watching movies, after a while it gets a bit old. Watching one movie after another after another after another… Intermixed with the movie watching has been meals, surfing the Internet, Skyping with my family, etc. But yet, it has almost become boring just watching movies.

While reading various articles on Facebook, I came across a website that had various lists (http://www.listchallenges.com/). Lists of books to read, lists of places to visit, lists of foods to eat, etc. For fun, I have gone through several of the lists to see how my experiences measure up to other people's ideas of what is important. I have high scores with movies, which is no surprise to me. In fact, with the 'geek list' I have seen 60/100 of the 'nerd movies.' That is, Sci-Fi movies. But, when it came to books, I was a bit surprised. Although I have read many books in my life, the books that I have read are not on the lists. Well, most of them. It seems that I am not as well versed in the 'classics' as I though I was. I admit, not all of the books on the lists sound all that appealing to me. However, it isn't always about 'appeal' that one reads a book. Many times, especially when it comes to theological and/or philosophical works, one needs to read challenging things. That way, one can gain a new perspective on how other view life.

Although it can be fun to compare what you can do or have done with someone else, one always needs to remember something. Each and everyone of us is a unique individual. Some people have the right kind of job or enough money to be able to travel the world. Others are able to sit down and read many books throughout their lifetime. Others are able to try various restaurants and try many different foods. Although it would be wonderful to experience all of these different things, not all of us will be able to do so.

But yet, sitting down and deciding the kinds of things that one wants to experience in his or her lifetime can be a good goal to set. For those who love to visit different countries, sitting down and creating a list of places to visit, and the order that he or she wants to visit them, can help create priorities. Some places will be very expensive to visit and may require many different visas or other applications. Figuring out what one needs would be a part of that goal setting processes.

For those who love reading, setting up a goal with the kids of books to read might be worth while. But even with that, one would need to figure out what genre of books they would want to focus on. There are so many different genres out there, one has to narrow it down. For example, although I enjoy watching a good horror movie once in a while, I don't enjoy reading horror novels all that much. But, I do enjoy reading a good mystery, sci-fi novel, or classical literature. Of course, theological writings are something else that I enjoy reading. For others, westerns or romance novels are their favorites. After figuring out a genre, one would then need to develop a list of books to read within that group. Then, the next question is, borrow them from a library, borrow from a friend, or buy them? Books can be expensive. But, if one really enjoys a book, having a copy of it might be good. Again, it will be up to the person.

But yet, if all a person does in life is make lists and think about what they want to do, are they really enjoying life? I have been able to do many things in my life. I have been to seminary, I have been in the Army (Active Duty and National Guard) for over 15 years, I have visited in Europe on several occasions, I have been to the Middle East, and I have visited many places throughout the United States. I have also been an Airborne Paratrooper, a pastor, and have worked in corrections. In fact, those are just some of the things that I have been able to experience.

All of us have experiences that make us who we are. Some of them are happy and joyful experiences. Some of them are painful and/or sad ones. But, each of these experiences contribute to who we are as a whole. Just like the books that we read and the classes that we study and the places that we visit, they all contribute to how we understand life. Some of these choices are ones that we make. But, not all of them. At times, others make choices for us. Be it our parents, the people that we work for, or the acts of a stranger. Each of these can greatly impact who we are and how we understand life.

As I wrap up this entry, I encourage you to think about something. What kind of things have shaped your life? What kind of people have influenced you? Whether you prefer books or movies, or love them both, how have they shaped your world view? With the places that you have visited, how have those experiences changed you? As you make lists, or jusACt think about what you have done, reflect on how you have been challenged and have grown because of these things. Consider, whether they they seem good or bad at the time, how you are different because of them. And with that, think about ways that you can experience new things and become an even better person? Not all things may be possible to experience. But, there are new experiences around each and every one of us. Ask God to open your eyes and experience new things. Especially with Who He is and what He has for you.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

Games People Play

Please read:
- Philippians 2:1-18 NAS
- James 3:1-12 NAS

While I was growing up in the 70's and the 80's, my family and I would take a long vacation (one to two weeks) every summer. Most of the time we drive from one place to another. To help keep us occupied, my mom would sometimes read to us articles from the Kitchen Klatter Magazine that she would get in the mail. Other times she would read to us from a book. Two books that I remember very well (and still have) are 'Fuzzy Bones' and 'Fuzzy Papers'.

When my mom didn't feel like reading, I would sometimes entertain myself with reading my own books or playing a games like travel bingo. Other times we would play a game like going through the alphabet using the letters that we saw on billboards and license plates. All of these activities would help the time to pass more quickly, so that it would seem that we arrived at our destination sooner.

I have played numerous bard and board games over the years with friends and family. Just a few of them are Monopoly, Risk, Clue, Chutes and Ladders, Mr. Mouth, etc. Usually I have really enjoyed playing games with others. Games can be a great way to help people get to better know each other. It can also be a great way to have fun and help facilitate conversation. My kids are both getting to the age where they can join my wife and I in some games. And they have loved it! But, not all games are good.

A song that was popular when I was growing up was “Don't Go Breaking My Heart” by Elton John & Kiki Dee. Unfortunately, I am sure that a lot of people have experienced this. A person would lead someone else on, manipulating their emotions in one way or another. Although not always, it would often be an issue of commitment from one person. Unfortunately that would often lead to great heartache. It is saddening that some people continuously do this with one person after another. After one person finally puts their foot down, the manipulator goes and finds someone else to lead around.

But, that isn't the worse of it. There are those who are very good manipulators and play con games with others. But, instead of just misleading a person's heart, they use their charm and manipulative skills to take things from others. Things like money, healthy, and/or property. For them, it's a game with how much they can take from others and how many lives they can hurt, or even destroy, before they are caught. Many of these people go for years before they are stopped, leaving a trail of emotional, physical, and spiritual wreckage in their wake.

I have observed some very manipulative people in my life. And, it saddens me to say, there are many within the physical church. It could be a congregation that has very unhealthy dynamics, a lay leader who uses his/her position to manipulate others, or even a pastor who uses his/her position to take advantage of others. I have even seen youth, who don't like how a youth leader does things, to 'play games' to try and get rid of that person.

These 'games people play' can take the form of spreading false rumors, being argumentative with someone over petty things, character assassination, showing ill will towards those who support someone they don't like, or even making false accusations with law enforcement or with a church or denomination’s legal organization. I have read numerous articles over the years with how a person or group within a church destroyed a person's life through false accusations. Even though they were later found innocent of the charges, their reputation and, potentially their ministry career, was ruined.

The thing is, we don't just 'play games' with each other, we also try to play games with God. Think about it… How often have you gone through life making excuses for things you may have said or done that you knew displeased God? When you justify your actions, are you not trying to play games with God? Take a moment and read about why God choose David (1 Samuel 16:1-11 NAS and how God later confronted David (2 Samuel 12:1-15 NAS). In both examples, God shows us that He knows what is on our hearts, what our attitudes are. Whether we like it or not, we cannot lie to God. We can only believe the lies that we tell ourselves. And God will confront us about it.

While playing card games and board games can be a great and wholesome form of entertainment, not all games are good. God calls us to be honest with ourselves, with each other, and with Him. When we try to play games with others so that we can manipulate them, we are not just being selfish, but we are essentially lying to them (and to God) about what our real motives are. Let us strive to repent of when we are false with each other, and towards God. That way we can edify (to build up) each other and tear each other down.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Walking Amongst Wolves

Please read the following:
- Matthew 7:15-23 NAS
- Matthew 10:16-23 NAS
- Acts 20:17-38 NAS
- Matthew 25:31-46 NAS

I have contemplated writing this blog entry for quite a while. Because it is something of a 'sore spot' for me, it's taken several years to be willing to even consider writing it. To some extent, it is a continuation of my blog entry “Grow Where You Are Planted”. But, it is also more than that. As I mentioned in that previous post, my job with the Nebraska Department of Corrections was one that I did not desire to have. But, since I asked God to only open the door to the employment that He wanted me to have, He honored that prayer.

All together, I have worked with the Nebraska Department of Corrections (NDCS) at least 8 years. During that time, I have interacted with many different kind of people, both staff and inmates. Since returning to working with NDCS, I have prayerfully sought to see it as a place of ministry instead of 'just a job.' And, God has answered that prayer, too. Part of it has been God opening the door to be the Religious Coordinator Assistant. Although it is a 'facilitator' kind of job instead of a 'ministry' job, like I would prefer, it is still a position that I very much enjoy working.

It is my experience that quite a few people in prison are not there because they are 'hell bent' on destroying the lives of others. Instead, they are in prison because they made a bad choice. For example, let's say someone with a good family and career was celebrating a milestone in his/her life. A promotion or raise, perhaps. And during the course of that celebration, he/she had quite a few alcoholic drinks and then decided to drive home instead of having a non-drinking friend or a taxi take him/her home. And, in the course of driving home they cross into the other lane and have a head on collision with another car, killing one or more occupants. This person did not intend to cause harm to others. However, because he/she made a bad decision to drive after drinking, he/she is not spending many years in prison for manslaughter (unintentionally killing someone else).

There are other cases where someone was in such emotional pain that he or she lashed out at a loved one and now is in prison for assault. Or, another example could be someone was without employment or under employed and stole something. Again, they made a bad choice and are now suffering the consequences. But, their hearts are not bent towards doing evil, they just made a bad choice, or series of bad choices.

Although not all people in prison have a heart bent on doing evil, quite a few are. Some of the inmates that I deal with are master manipulators. Others have little to no ability to emphasize with others. That means, if they cause emotional, spiritual, and/or physical pain to someone else, they have great difficulty feeling sorry for what they did. They also have difficulty understanding the pain they caused in the other person. Others are sadist, in that they get enjoyment out of causing pain (again physical, emotional, and/or spiritual) in others. Though this isn't the case of many in prison, there are those that I have dealt with who would be willing to cause great bodily harm or even kill staff or another inmate in order to get a temporary gain. And, committing that act would not cause them to loose any sleep at night.

It is a challenge to work with this type of person, one who is either so calloused or sadistic that causing harm to others either doesn't bother them or actually excites them. Some of them walk around in general population. Others spend long periods of time in the Special Management Unit (SMU) because of their actions. There are those who spend years in Intensive Management because of how dangerous they can be. (Intensive management cells have their own enclosed yard and shower so that they are kept more separated from others.)

It is amongst such people that I work on a daily basis. Thankfully, most days they choose not to cause problems. However, that is not always the case. I couldn't tell you how many times I have been a part of a use of force team or had to respond to an emergency. Some emergencies were medical emergencies, but quite a few of them were because of inmates fighting. Although I have not been physically injured during one of these uses of force, I know staff who have been. It is always a risk with where I work, that either I or someone else could be assaulted. Although having fecal matter or urine thrown on me is considered a form of assault, I am not including it here.

Whether I like it or not, that is the environment that God has called me to minister to. Although I would prefer to work as a Religious Coordinator (or Religious Coordinator Assistant), my primary job is custody staff. That means I am interacting with the inmates on a regular basis. In fact, I am often within easy reach or one or more inmates who may or may not have a weapon on them. It is my duty to enforce rules, which easily makes me a 'lightning rod' for an inmate's anger. That is my job and I prayerfully ask for God's help in staying safe and doing my job well.

But here is a humbling thought. My life as custody staff at a maximum security prison that we specifically built for the more dangerous and more difficult to manage inmates is nothing compared to what some people endure on a regular basis each and every day. Are you wondering who could have it worse than me? Christians who live in countries that actively persecute them for their faith have it worse.

I regularly get E-mails and Facebook posts from Christian organizations that share the stories of Christians who are persecuted for their faith. They are a daily reminder that, even on a bad day for me, it is nothing compared to what many of them go through on a daily basis. One such story was on my Facebook page this morning. It is about a former Muslim Imam who turned from Islam and embraced Christ. You can read his story here. In many Muslim countries, Christians are forced to worship behind closed doors. In these countries, if a person converts from Islam to Christianity (or any other religion), they are often arrested and harshly punished. Death by hanging or beheading is not uncommon, either. Each and every day, Christians in many nations, not just Muslim nations, face discrimination and even active persecution. Women are often sexually assaulted and forced to 'convert' to the 'national religion' and marry someone of that religion to 'seal the conversion.' Others are sexually assaulted and left to live with that shame. Any who seek to hold the attackers accountable are often lucky to even be given the opportunity to be heard. Most attackers are, unfortunately, celebrated.

One set of statistics from Open Doors are per month: 322 Christians are killed for their faith, 214 churches and Christian properties are destroyed, and 772 forms of violence are committed against Christians (such as beatings, rapes, forced marriages, arrests, etc.). (stats found here: http://www.opendoorsusa.org/christian-persecution/) Think about it… These people suffer all sorts of horrific experiences because they choose to follow Christ. As a comparison, we will look at the crime rates of a city here in America. According to one web site, Chicago is rated as being one of the most dangerous places to live (having a safety measurement of 11% where 100 is most safe). According to the site's FAQ, they were using the 2013 crime statistics. The stats include 24,469 violent crimes (including assault, rape, robbery, etc.), 9.00 crimes per 1,000 residents, 415 murders, unreported number of rapes, unreported number of assaults, etc. Now, keep in mind, Chicago has a lot of gang activity, which would account for some of these violent crimes. The number of Christians, on average, that are murdered for their faith each month is about ¾ of those that were murdered in Chicago throughout 2013. And, that is only counting the number of Christians that we know who were murdered for their faith.

To help Christians (and others who might wish to know), better see which countries are worse with their persecution of Christians, Open Doors puts together a 'World Watch List'. This list rates the 50 most dangerous countries for a Christian to live in. According to the most current list, the top 5 countries for persecuting Christians are: 1. North Korea, 2. Somalia, 3. Iraq, 4. Syria, and 5. Afghanistan. Each of these countries actively persecute anyone claiming to follow Christ who is a member of that country. Any Christian who comes into the country and shares their faith may be lucky to just be sent home and banned from coming into the country ever again.

For my job with the Nebraska Department of Corrections, I walk amongst many dangerous people on a regular basis. Although there is a low staff to inmate ratio, there are many safety factors in place to protect us. Things like radios, armed staff in towers and roving patrols, OC spray, etc., help to keep us safe. Also, inmates will face charges (either institutionally or via the state, depending on the crime) for assaulting other inmates or staff. If they assault someone, they will loose what few freedoms that they have. That helps to make our job safer. Although we walk amongst wolves, we have layers of protection. And, when our shift is done, we get to go home. And usually, where we live is a much safer place.

For most Christians in countries like North Korea, Somalia, etc., there is no such thing as a safe place. They are in grave danger at work, they are in grave danger at home, while shopping, etc. Sometimes it is a co-worker or neighbor who assaults, harasses, or murders a Christian in one of these countries. But, it can just as easily be a family member. A bad day at work is just that, a bad day at work. For many Christians around the world, it is a day-to-day experience. Let us not forget that. Let us remember to pray for all have to live in such environments. And, let us pray that those of us in 'Christian' counties not become complacent, lest we allow it become reality where we live.

Saturday, August 1, 2015

A Horrendous Life Saved

The other night, I was attending a Bible Study with several other soldiers and contractors. We were studying Paul's Epistle to the Romans and have a very interesting discussion. One of the people there asked if someone like Hitler have been saved? Of course, it would be if the person genuinely repented before he died. Though many people may scoff at this idea, it deserves being discussed. I know that all us know someone who has done horrendous things to someone else, either intentionally or unintentionally. Some people commit such acts once, like drinking and driving and cause a horrific accident that injures and/or kills a whole family. Or, there are those who commit terrible crimes against others over a period of years. While watching documentaries, news broadcasts, or talking with others about such issues, I will often hear the comment: “Satan has a special place in hell for you!”

Let me make a few things clear before we go on. When something terrible happens to a person because of negligence or anger of another, one has a right to be angry. Anger is a natural emotion, letting a person know that something isn't right. When someone wrongs us, we will be hurt and feel angry. I am not trying to downplay that at all. Nor am I downplaying the fact that if someone commits a crime, they should be held accountable. As a Military Police Officer and as Custody Staff with the Nebraska Department of Corrections, I have an obligation to correct inappropriate behavior in a fair and just manner.

I do know that this is an emotionally charged issue to think about. And, I know that all of us have our personal opinions about this topic. However, for those of us who claim to follow Christ, we have to choose to compare our opinions to what Scripture clearly says. And, I will admit, I do not always like to do that. But, in order to have a healthy and close relationship with God, we have to take our thoughts into captivity and make sure that what we choose to believe agrees with what God says in right and true.

Although there are many passages that I could use, I have chosen seven of them. Also, this blog is about a person's Salvation, not about being held accountable according to local and national laws. Our laws have a place in our society. This particular issue has to do with eternal salvation/damnation. Please take a few minutes to read each of them.
- Romans 5:1-10
- Philippians 3:1-10
- Romans 8:1-11
- Luke 23:33-43
- Acts 7:54-60
- Acts 8:1-3
- Acts 9:1-18

Yes, I know that is a lot to read. But, they are important passages to keep in mind as we discuss them.

The first thing we need to consider is what our relationship with God is before salvation. Paul's Epistle to the Romans is a letter where he very clearly and concisely explains the fundamentals of the Christian faith. It is not an Epistle to just scan without putting much thought into it. It is one that requires purposeful study. In the first three chapters, Paul goes to great length to explain how each and every one of us has a fallen and corrupt nature. That is, we are all in rebellion against God since our birth. This understanding is foundational for understanding why God did what He did as Jesus Christ.

As a holy and righteous God, sin separates us from God. And, since we all break the 10 Commandments in thought, word, and deed each and every day, God would be justified in punishing all us for all eternity. But, because of His love for us, He entered our world as Jesus (both fully Man and fully God), lived a perfect life, taught us, died a condemned criminals death in our place (remember, being perfect, He did not deserve to be crucified, He choose to be). In dying in our place and then being raised from the dead, we have hope of eternal life. It is not something we can earn, it is something He offers us. We have to accept it on His terms. And in accepting it, be changed by it.

Speaking of Paul, let's take a closer look at him. Most people know Paul as the great missionary and Apostle to the Gentiles. However, Paul used to be someone very different. According to Acts 7:54-60 and 8:1-3, Paul used to be named Saul. He was a young Pharisee who became very influential at a young age. And, he was very, very zealous for enforcing the religious laws at the time. In fact, in his zealousness for God's Laws, one could say he spearheaded the persecution of the Followers of Christ. Scripture does not state if Saul actually killed any Christians himself. However, he not only consented to the murder of Stephen, but actively sought out other Christians so that they could be arrested, tried and then punished (either beatings, time in prison, or killed for their faith). So, at the very least, here is a man who is an accessory to murder of one person and probably committed numerous counts of assault consummated by battery (caused physical injury to someone else) while arresting them, as well as was an accessory to assault or murder, depending on what the religious leaders decided. Not a very good person, was he?

But yet, in spite of the horrible things he did in his zealous passion for God, he was confronted by God on the Road to Damascus. There, his life was transformed. In fact, his life was transformed so greatly that he even changed his name from Saul to Paul. (Acts 9:1-18). After several years of studying under others, he returned to Jerusalem and became one of the leading missionaries/Apostles to the Gentiles (all non-Jews). Many of the Epistles in the New Testament are written by him during different points of his life. Being the very intelligent person that he was, Paul was able to reach out to different groups and cultures and explain the Christian faith to them in ways that they could understand and respond to. The Church Universal would not be the way it is now without him. Would you not agree that God used Paul in incredible and awesome ways?!

Let's consider a different example. From about 1743 until around 1754, John Newton was a slave trader. According to one article :
“Despite this (having turned to Christ after a serious illness), he continued to participate in the Slave Trade. In 1750, he made a further voyage as master of the slave ship 'Duke of Argyle' and two voyages on the 'African'. He admitted that he was a ruthless businessman and a unfeeling observer of the Africans he traded. Slave revolts on board ship were frequent. Newton mounted guns and muskets on the desk aimed at the slaves' quarters. Slaves were lashed and put in thumbscrews to keep them quiet.”
Years later, he became a highly respected Anglican pastor, a prolific writer of hymns (along with William Cowper), and was often sought after for pastoral care. The hymn “Amazing Grace” is one of many that he penned.

Eventually, a young man named William Wilberforce came to him seeking guidance. As a young Christian, Wilberforce was wrestling with leaving politics and entering the ministry. John Newton encouraged Wilberforce to stay in politics and serve God there. Wilberforce soon became involved in the Abolitionist movement in England. (Please see this BBC article, this Christianity Today article, or this article.) Although Wilberforce asked Newton to help with the Abolitionist movement, initially he decline. Eventually though, in 1787, John Newton was able to write a tract describing his experiences in the African Slave Trade, 'Thoughts upon the African Slave Trade.' This tract was very influential in the Abolition Movement. After many years, the Parliament did vote to end slavery in February of 1807.

At the time that Parliament voted to end slavery, John Newton was nearly blind and was near death. Upon the law passing, he was able to rejoice that others would no longer have to suffer such inhumane treatment. A man, who actively participated in the Slave Trade, who killed many African slaves directly through putting down revolts or indirectly due to the very inhuman conditions the slaves lived in, helped to end the Slave Trade. He is credited with many wise sayings over the years, but one that I find very appropriate concerns what he expected to see in Heaven:
"If I ever reach heaven I expect to find three wonders there first, to meet some I had not thought to see their second, to miss some I had expected to see there and third, the greatest wonder of all, to find myself there."
- John Newton Topics: Heaven

I have worked with the Nebraska Department of Corrections for over 7 years. During that time, I have worked at a maximum security prison that houses a large number of segregation inmates. In fact, the prison that I work at was built to house the more violent, difficult, etc., Inmates. Within its fences and walls, I have met many Inmates who care little about the welfare of others. They definitely have an anti-social personality. Quite a few of them are more than willing to cause serious bodily harm, or even kill someone else, to get what they want. Even if that is a higher status with the other Inmates.

But yet, there are those there who do care about others. Not just their own friends and family, but they care about other people and trying to do the right thing. Although not all of them claim Christianity as their faith, quite a few do. While working as Custody Staff and as Religious Coordinator, I have observed them during various worship services. This is in conjunction with watching them during their everyday interactions with others. There are some Inmates at this prison who have a closer walk with Christ and a more joyful life than many Christians I have met outside of prison. For them, Jesus' comment to a man named Simon is very applicable to them (Luke 7:40-50). You see, these people are very, very aware of the wickedness of their hearts. They are in prison as a consequence of their actions. For them, God's grace for their sins is so much more real. Very few of the Inmates take their salvation and walk with Christ for granted. This is much like those living in countries where Christianity is actively persecuted. Christians in those countries also rarely take their faith and relationship with Christ for granted. It is so sad that many of us outside of prison do take our faith and walk with Christ for granted.

For the last couple of months, I have been leading a Bible Study on the Minor Prophets. Together, we have looked at Haggai, Joel, Zephaniah, and Habakkuk. It has been a very, very interesting study and quite a learning experience for all of us. While doing my research for the studies, God reminded me of many different things. One very important thing is that whenever God warned the Jewish people that they were going to suffer the consequences of their sins (rebelling against His Commands and committing spiritual adultery), there was always a call to repentance as well.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this blog entry, that warning of accountability and call to repentance applies to all of us. Because we all are born in sin and have a sinful nature, we are all guilty of rebelling against God. We are all guilty of treason against Him. Many will say, “Oh, I have not sinned in a way like that rapist and murderer that I saw on the news last night!!” Jesus had something very specific to say about that kind of attitude in Luke 18:9-14. Sound kind of harsh? To most of us it does sound extremely harsh. Especially if someone close to us has been affected by serious crime. But, God weighs and judges our thoughts and attitudes. Not just our attitudes towards those who are nice to us, but even to those who do evil towards us.

When a person commits a horrendous crime, they absolutely need to be held accountable for their crime or crimes. But, each and every one of the people who commit the crimes are just as human as the rest of us. No, most of us have not done great evil like such people as Ted Bundy, Charles Manson, etc., and other serial killers. However, that does not mean that any of us might not be capable of doing great evil under the right circumstances. We are all human, we all have a sinful and rebellious nature against God, and we all deserve His condemnation. But yet, because of His love and grace, He offers us forgiveness. Although it might be difficult to accept, there are those who have done great evil who God has used to do incredible things. Paul, formally known as Saul, and John Newton are just two examples. While still holding those who do evil accountable for their actions, we should still rejoice if they repent and turn to Christ. Even if it is while on their death bed or being led to their execution, we should rejoice that they have found eternal life with Christ. Why? Because those of us who are Christians were under the exact same sentence as them until we repented.