Many of us have lost someone that we love. Some to old age, some to disease, some to accidents, or a myriad of many other reasons. While in seminary, I did my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) at the University of Louisville Hospital, a Level One Trauma hospital. During the summer course that I was there, I saw a very large range of injured people come in. Not all left alive. One thing that always struck me as 'interesting' was the fact that sometimes, the family were having a harder time dealing with a person's illness or injury than the patient his/herself.
The experiences that I had there have really stuck with me. In one night, July 4th of 1997, I was with three different families that lost a loved one. Each person faced the death of a loved one very differently.
Just like these other people, I have lost loved ones in my life. During my time here, I found out that someone I knew lost a close friend of his, and it had hit him really hard. Seeing how he struggled to make since with his friend's death, inspired the poem that I will be sharing here shortly. It is a summary, of sort, of the many times that I have lost a loved one. And each time left a 'hole in my heart.' It is something that time, God's Grace, and the love of others have helped to heal. So now they are scars and memories of people that I have loved and are no longer in my life. Please note that I am NOT bitter or struggling with emotional pain. Though I remember how it felt then, it is not how I feel about the memories now. One of the things that I am learning about being an INFJ is that I remember fewer of the details of things and remember more of how it 'made me feel.' It's how I am made.
I know that this poem might be a bit hard for some out there to read. If that's the case, then don't punish yourself and keep reading. Come back another time. I do hope that it can help some of you out there with dealing with a loss. You are not a lone. As many people have reminded me, there is always hope in life. Sometimes you just have to hunt for it.
A Hole In My Heart (25NOV2015)
Sitting down to watch a Christmas special, a yearly tradition…
A Christmas Carol, one that I love!
Always a call to love those around us.
The phone rings, a lady in my church speaks.
Our pastor was found dead.
Car in the garage, running…
I listen, I ask questions, I hang up…
The words now just mumblings.
No joy now in my favorite show.
A hole is now in my heart, a part taken way.
A person who I care for,
Someone who cared for me.
They are gone, but here I am,
Hurting, weeping,
or just stunned and numb.
The pain is real, the hole hurts,
but what can I do?
What can fill this hole?
Though I am adopted, I long to know
from where I came from,
who it was that created me.
After many years of waiting, I learn.
I meet the man and woman
who created me and tried to love me.
Though I was gone from their lives
for over 16 years, they had never stopped,
never stopped loving me.
A little time passed, biological mother struggled with her health.
She had a zeal for life
and love for others.
But one day, while in college,
a call came, I went numb.
One that I loved was no more.
Cindy was no longer with us,
and though I only knew her less than 2 years,
the hole in my heart was very, very real.
Being there to be a comfort to my family,
heart is aching,
a part has died.
Though I had known her just briefly
for just such a short time,
the pain sought to tear my heart in two!
After she was laid to rest, getting ready to go home,
heart burst, tears suddenly flowed,
I wept and mourned one I had hardly known.
What can I say? What can I do?
With every loss, every good-bye
there is another hole in my heart.
Many people love me. I love them.
Love helps me feel alive.
Love energizes me to help others.
People come, and then they go.
A love betrayed or one's death,
the result is yet another hole in my heart.
Each and every hole, put there by someone else.
Each hole is a love there no more.
Each hole is a permanent 'good-bye.'
Some are gone by choice,
theirs or mine.
But not all…
Some holes are there because
someone who loved me
is no longer alive.
As time goes by, eventually heal.
Kind of…
Sort of…
Over time the sharp pain becomes dull…
Though my heart heals over
there is still the scare of the hole.
Fresh experiences and fresh relationships
bring back love
and the fear of heartache to come.
For one thing I have learned
with every joyful friend,
for each who care for me,
They will eventually leave and be gone.
Be it death, betrayed friendship
or just fading off to the distance.
Every love, every relationship
will have its bitter end.
A hole in my heart.
With all the love and joy that I seek,
there is a bitter pill to take.
Do I even dare to do it again?
Another deep and powerful love arises,
one who wants to be my wife.
To cherish and to love!
But it is a deep love that is betrayed,
It cuts to the very core of my soul
a pain so beyond my words!
I weep, I shake with rage! Wrath!
I think of her, rage boils within!
Nothing can express how I feel!
I want reconciliation, a love to regrow…
Choices have been made,
The dye has been cast.
A marriage over, a grief of one dead
but yet still alive.
A grief beyond words!
Though I know that God loves me
that His love knows no bounds,
and that it is sacrificial...
It is hard to perceive, to understand…
When there are so many holes,
places of loss and of pain.
But yet, through time,
God helps me to move on,
past the brokenness and pain.
Showing posts with label burden shared. Show all posts
Showing posts with label burden shared. Show all posts
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Saturday, November 7, 2015
A Living Faith
References:
- Psalm 37:1-10 NAS
- Mark 5:1-20 NAS
- Luke 10:38-42 NAS
The other night I was at the regular Wednesday night Bible Study. I and my co-teacher were ready to teach. But, the few people that usually attend the Gospel of John study that we do were not there. So, we decided to attend another group that was studying Romans. I was expecting a really good discussion. I ended up being a bit disappointed.
The man who was leading the Bible Study started things off with having a couple of volunteers come up and share their personal testimonies. If you are unfamiliar with what that is, a 'personal testimony' is when a person shares how God has changed a his or her life. In some Christian circles, the can mean any time that God has done something to significantly impact how a person lives, how they view life, how they relate to others, etc. This can be something really big, like a 'Road to Damascus' experience. Or, it could be something small, like reading a familiar Scripture passage and God points something new out to you. For others, it either means a 'Road to Damascus' experience (aka 'conversion experience') or God doing something major in your life. Like deliverance from drugs, bring someone out of a self-destructive lifestyle, or something else that is “incredible.” Personally, I fall into the first group.
After the volunteers talked about how they had 'come to know Christ,' the Bible Study leader had us read the Mark 5 passage noted above. His emphasis was how Jesus directed the person that He had delivered from demonic possession to not stay with Him, but to tell his friends and family all that God had done. He then tied this in to how we need to be willing to share our 'personal testimony' with others and to encourage people to 'make a decision for Christ.' This did not make me real comfortable for a number of reasons. The primary one being that sometimes it is more important to 'be Christ' to others instead of just 'telling them about Him.' So, I shared how God has used me on many occasions to help those who were burdened with something. In some of those conversations, I shared what God has done in my life. However, in many of them, I simply listened and empathized with what they were feeling. That is, I listened to how a situation had impacted their lives and tried to understand how that made them feel.
Though I did more of a 'story telling' instead of summarizing, I was hoping that I got my point across. While it is always important to be able to share with others what we believe as Christians and the hope that Christ gives us, sometimes that is not what is most important. I could be wrong, but it seemed that the person leading the study didn't really like my observation. He acknowledged it, but seemed to be very dismissive of it. It could be he was so focused on what he was wanting to teach that he wanted to get back on track. I don't know.
I do know that some Christian denominations have a very, very strong emphasis on 'soul harvesting.' That is, the members of some denominations focus their energies on going out into their communities, telling other people about how God has changed their lives, and to encourage people to 'make a decision' on becoming a Christian. Although I do believe that sharing your testimony is important, and that there will come a time when each of us have to 'make a decision (for follow Christ),' I do not believe that should be the main emphasis.
I also know of some denominations that focus so much on 'social justice' and reaching out to people that they leave out how God came into this world as Jesus to save us from our sins. They focus on serving and helping others, but at the expense of telling others about the life changing message of Jesus Christ. People are helped, but not changed.
I believe that both have to be done. We need to do both, 'be the Gospel' to others and to 'share the Gospel' with others. But, before we can effectively do either, we have to know who God is, we need to be deeply changed by Jesus. That is why I included the other two Scripture passages. We need to spend time studying God's Word on our own, attending worship services where we can be challenged to grow in our faith, and spend time with fellow Christians to encourage each other in our spiritual growth. We need to purposely take time and 'be still,' as the Psalms passage emphasizes. Just like we cannot hear what a friend or co-worker says to us if we are not paying attention, we can't hear God speak to us if we do not take time to be still and listen.
As the Luke passage points out, there are times when we allow ourselves to become too busy with things in life. Martha was so focused on taking care of all the food and other hosting requirements that she was missing out on actually being nourished on what Jesus had to say. Mary, on the other hand, was being still and soaking it all up. When Martha became upset about it, Jesus corrected her. Though it is important to do things and help others, we also need to 'just be still' like Mary was doing.
I have been a follower of Christ since early 1994. There have been seasons in my life where things have been joyful and fun, and seasons where I have struggled with staying positive, doing the right thing, etc. During those times of difficulty, God has always ministered to me. Sometimes it was while having my 'quiet time.' But, many times it has been because God used someone to walk with me during my times of difficulty and shared the burdens that I had.
In my many years of walking with Christ, I have found that God most often uses me to be His presence in another person's life. Not sharing how God has turned my life around and/or up-side-down. Not the need to face the fact that all of us are sinners and are in desperate need to find salvation in Christ alone. Not the 'you have to make a decision.' No… I find that God most often uses me to listen to what is going on in a person's life and to walk with them. So many people have been turned off by the 'in your face' of some people that, if you start telling them about God, they will immediate start shutting down. In that case, no matter how eloquent of a speaker you might be, they will not hear you.
I have found that, most of the time, people are wanting a physical person to help them with what is bothering them. To most people, God is a foreign concept, or something that they have grown to hate because of one reason or another. For them to be able to know that God really does love them and wants to redeem them from their life of sin, we have to be there for them. We have to be willing to listen to them share their ugliness, their pain, their questions. And there will be times where it may take months, even years of listening and loving someone before they will be willing to really listen to you about how God has changed your life.
It really boils down to 'walking the walk' before we 'talk the talk.' If we do not allow God to show His love through us in our actions, then all of our knowledge of Scripture and eloquent speech will be for nothing. If people do not see Christ in our lives, they won't believe what we say about Him. As His ambassadors to this world, we have to intimately know who He is and allow Him to deeply impact our lives. If we do not allow God to change us, we will still resemble this world. If we are not changed ourselves, how can we expect others to want to know Christ?
It is never easy to “walk the walk.” Change can be difficult. But yet, if we genuinely seek God's help in changing, He will do so. It may be painful at times, but God will help us get through it and be better followers. Are we willing to do so?
- Psalm 37:1-10 NAS
- Mark 5:1-20 NAS
- Luke 10:38-42 NAS
The other night I was at the regular Wednesday night Bible Study. I and my co-teacher were ready to teach. But, the few people that usually attend the Gospel of John study that we do were not there. So, we decided to attend another group that was studying Romans. I was expecting a really good discussion. I ended up being a bit disappointed.
The man who was leading the Bible Study started things off with having a couple of volunteers come up and share their personal testimonies. If you are unfamiliar with what that is, a 'personal testimony' is when a person shares how God has changed a his or her life. In some Christian circles, the can mean any time that God has done something to significantly impact how a person lives, how they view life, how they relate to others, etc. This can be something really big, like a 'Road to Damascus' experience. Or, it could be something small, like reading a familiar Scripture passage and God points something new out to you. For others, it either means a 'Road to Damascus' experience (aka 'conversion experience') or God doing something major in your life. Like deliverance from drugs, bring someone out of a self-destructive lifestyle, or something else that is “incredible.” Personally, I fall into the first group.
After the volunteers talked about how they had 'come to know Christ,' the Bible Study leader had us read the Mark 5 passage noted above. His emphasis was how Jesus directed the person that He had delivered from demonic possession to not stay with Him, but to tell his friends and family all that God had done. He then tied this in to how we need to be willing to share our 'personal testimony' with others and to encourage people to 'make a decision for Christ.' This did not make me real comfortable for a number of reasons. The primary one being that sometimes it is more important to 'be Christ' to others instead of just 'telling them about Him.' So, I shared how God has used me on many occasions to help those who were burdened with something. In some of those conversations, I shared what God has done in my life. However, in many of them, I simply listened and empathized with what they were feeling. That is, I listened to how a situation had impacted their lives and tried to understand how that made them feel.
Though I did more of a 'story telling' instead of summarizing, I was hoping that I got my point across. While it is always important to be able to share with others what we believe as Christians and the hope that Christ gives us, sometimes that is not what is most important. I could be wrong, but it seemed that the person leading the study didn't really like my observation. He acknowledged it, but seemed to be very dismissive of it. It could be he was so focused on what he was wanting to teach that he wanted to get back on track. I don't know.
I do know that some Christian denominations have a very, very strong emphasis on 'soul harvesting.' That is, the members of some denominations focus their energies on going out into their communities, telling other people about how God has changed their lives, and to encourage people to 'make a decision' on becoming a Christian. Although I do believe that sharing your testimony is important, and that there will come a time when each of us have to 'make a decision (for follow Christ),' I do not believe that should be the main emphasis.
I also know of some denominations that focus so much on 'social justice' and reaching out to people that they leave out how God came into this world as Jesus to save us from our sins. They focus on serving and helping others, but at the expense of telling others about the life changing message of Jesus Christ. People are helped, but not changed.
I believe that both have to be done. We need to do both, 'be the Gospel' to others and to 'share the Gospel' with others. But, before we can effectively do either, we have to know who God is, we need to be deeply changed by Jesus. That is why I included the other two Scripture passages. We need to spend time studying God's Word on our own, attending worship services where we can be challenged to grow in our faith, and spend time with fellow Christians to encourage each other in our spiritual growth. We need to purposely take time and 'be still,' as the Psalms passage emphasizes. Just like we cannot hear what a friend or co-worker says to us if we are not paying attention, we can't hear God speak to us if we do not take time to be still and listen.
As the Luke passage points out, there are times when we allow ourselves to become too busy with things in life. Martha was so focused on taking care of all the food and other hosting requirements that she was missing out on actually being nourished on what Jesus had to say. Mary, on the other hand, was being still and soaking it all up. When Martha became upset about it, Jesus corrected her. Though it is important to do things and help others, we also need to 'just be still' like Mary was doing.
I have been a follower of Christ since early 1994. There have been seasons in my life where things have been joyful and fun, and seasons where I have struggled with staying positive, doing the right thing, etc. During those times of difficulty, God has always ministered to me. Sometimes it was while having my 'quiet time.' But, many times it has been because God used someone to walk with me during my times of difficulty and shared the burdens that I had.
In my many years of walking with Christ, I have found that God most often uses me to be His presence in another person's life. Not sharing how God has turned my life around and/or up-side-down. Not the need to face the fact that all of us are sinners and are in desperate need to find salvation in Christ alone. Not the 'you have to make a decision.' No… I find that God most often uses me to listen to what is going on in a person's life and to walk with them. So many people have been turned off by the 'in your face' of some people that, if you start telling them about God, they will immediate start shutting down. In that case, no matter how eloquent of a speaker you might be, they will not hear you.
I have found that, most of the time, people are wanting a physical person to help them with what is bothering them. To most people, God is a foreign concept, or something that they have grown to hate because of one reason or another. For them to be able to know that God really does love them and wants to redeem them from their life of sin, we have to be there for them. We have to be willing to listen to them share their ugliness, their pain, their questions. And there will be times where it may take months, even years of listening and loving someone before they will be willing to really listen to you about how God has changed your life.
It really boils down to 'walking the walk' before we 'talk the talk.' If we do not allow God to show His love through us in our actions, then all of our knowledge of Scripture and eloquent speech will be for nothing. If people do not see Christ in our lives, they won't believe what we say about Him. As His ambassadors to this world, we have to intimately know who He is and allow Him to deeply impact our lives. If we do not allow God to change us, we will still resemble this world. If we are not changed ourselves, how can we expect others to want to know Christ?
It is never easy to “walk the walk.” Change can be difficult. But yet, if we genuinely seek God's help in changing, He will do so. It may be painful at times, but God will help us get through it and be better followers. Are we willing to do so?
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Thoughts and Feelings, So Thorough
Thoughts flowing freely, unhindered, carefree;
going this way, that way,
unhindered and free.
Anger and frustration, mine or soaked up?
Now they ease, fade to the distance,
thoughts and feelings are now more clear…
Time passes, not paying attention…
Stresses and frustration, mine or others,
are finally fading away.
Sometimes I go for a long walk.
Sometimes I read, sometimes watch tv.
Sometimes, only in quiet stillness they leave.
Although through the day, talking and interacting,
things build up, they're soaked up.
Now, processed, examined, set free.
Many times I spend long hours
trying to sort through all that I feelings
examining this way and that.
At times I will rehearse conversations,
trying different approaches,
hearing their voices, feeling their mannerisms…
Trying out different ideas, mental role-playing,
knowing their patters, their tendencies…
How to address? Is it worth it?
Seconding guessing all these thoughts,
present plans, future plans…
What will work? Will it all fail?
While walking, while resting, while sleeping or eating,
my thoughts will often wonder
this way, that way, where ever.
From past conversations to future expectations
they are examined, processed
no mental stone left unturned.
Good possibilities, bad possibilities,
all are considered, analyzed.
Which one more? God only knows!
Approached by someone, asked if I have a little time.
A heart hurts, mind is confused,
or a burdened needs to be shared.
Sometimes this is totally expected.
Other times a great surprise.
But helping is my calling, so listen I will.
I listen to their words, spoken or not.
Sense their emotions, even draw them in.
I filter all they share, through heart and mind.
As time goes by, conversation wanes.
They feel calmer, heart is lighter.
Do I have anything wise to say?
Their problems, experiences, sorted and sifted,
and analyzed within my mind.
Thoughts and feelings, mesh with mine.
A thought, an idea, or even my own deeds,
sifted through, maybe shared,
or just gentle quiet of a burden shared.
We part and I continue sifting and sorting,
their thoughts, feelings I felt, even absorbed.
Gradually the mess is made into sense.
Though I rejoice that a life was touched,
God has blessed through me,
I am tired, or even exhausted.
My day is still young, much yet to do.
A silent prayer for guidance, energy, focus;
till I can finally, fully rest.
RC Underwood
20SEP2015
going this way, that way,
unhindered and free.
Anger and frustration, mine or soaked up?
Now they ease, fade to the distance,
thoughts and feelings are now more clear…
Time passes, not paying attention…
Stresses and frustration, mine or others,
are finally fading away.
Sometimes I go for a long walk.
Sometimes I read, sometimes watch tv.
Sometimes, only in quiet stillness they leave.
Although through the day, talking and interacting,
things build up, they're soaked up.
Now, processed, examined, set free.
Many times I spend long hours
trying to sort through all that I feelings
examining this way and that.
At times I will rehearse conversations,
trying different approaches,
hearing their voices, feeling their mannerisms…
Trying out different ideas, mental role-playing,
knowing their patters, their tendencies…
How to address? Is it worth it?
Seconding guessing all these thoughts,
present plans, future plans…
What will work? Will it all fail?
While walking, while resting, while sleeping or eating,
my thoughts will often wonder
this way, that way, where ever.
From past conversations to future expectations
they are examined, processed
no mental stone left unturned.
Good possibilities, bad possibilities,
all are considered, analyzed.
Which one more? God only knows!
Approached by someone, asked if I have a little time.
A heart hurts, mind is confused,
or a burdened needs to be shared.
Sometimes this is totally expected.
Other times a great surprise.
But helping is my calling, so listen I will.
I listen to their words, spoken or not.
Sense their emotions, even draw them in.
I filter all they share, through heart and mind.
As time goes by, conversation wanes.
They feel calmer, heart is lighter.
Do I have anything wise to say?
Their problems, experiences, sorted and sifted,
and analyzed within my mind.
Thoughts and feelings, mesh with mine.
A thought, an idea, or even my own deeds,
sifted through, maybe shared,
or just gentle quiet of a burden shared.
We part and I continue sifting and sorting,
their thoughts, feelings I felt, even absorbed.
Gradually the mess is made into sense.
Though I rejoice that a life was touched,
God has blessed through me,
I am tired, or even exhausted.
My day is still young, much yet to do.
A silent prayer for guidance, energy, focus;
till I can finally, fully rest.
RC Underwood
20SEP2015
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