Many of us have lost someone that we love. Some to old age, some to disease, some to accidents, or a myriad of many other reasons. While in seminary, I did my CPE (Clinical Pastoral Education) at the University of Louisville Hospital, a Level One Trauma hospital. During the summer course that I was there, I saw a very large range of injured people come in. Not all left alive. One thing that always struck me as 'interesting' was the fact that sometimes, the family were having a harder time dealing with a person's illness or injury than the patient his/herself.
The experiences that I had there have really stuck with me. In one night, July 4th of 1997, I was with three different families that lost a loved one. Each person faced the death of a loved one very differently.
Just like these other people, I have lost loved ones in my life. During my time here, I found out that someone I knew lost a close friend of his, and it had hit him really hard. Seeing how he struggled to make since with his friend's death, inspired the poem that I will be sharing here shortly. It is a summary, of sort, of the many times that I have lost a loved one. And each time left a 'hole in my heart.' It is something that time, God's Grace, and the love of others have helped to heal. So now they are scars and memories of people that I have loved and are no longer in my life. Please note that I am NOT bitter or struggling with emotional pain. Though I remember how it felt then, it is not how I feel about the memories now. One of the things that I am learning about being an INFJ is that I remember fewer of the details of things and remember more of how it 'made me feel.' It's how I am made.
I know that this poem might be a bit hard for some out there to read. If that's the case, then don't punish yourself and keep reading. Come back another time. I do hope that it can help some of you out there with dealing with a loss. You are not a lone. As many people have reminded me, there is always hope in life. Sometimes you just have to hunt for it.
A Hole In My Heart (25NOV2015)
Sitting down to watch a Christmas special, a yearly tradition…
A Christmas Carol, one that I love!
Always a call to love those around us.
The phone rings, a lady in my church speaks.
Our pastor was found dead.
Car in the garage, running…
I listen, I ask questions, I hang up…
The words now just mumblings.
No joy now in my favorite show.
A hole is now in my heart, a part taken way.
A person who I care for,
Someone who cared for me.
They are gone, but here I am,
Hurting, weeping,
or just stunned and numb.
The pain is real, the hole hurts,
but what can I do?
What can fill this hole?
Though I am adopted, I long to know
from where I came from,
who it was that created me.
After many years of waiting, I learn.
I meet the man and woman
who created me and tried to love me.
Though I was gone from their lives
for over 16 years, they had never stopped,
never stopped loving me.
A little time passed, biological mother struggled with her health.
She had a zeal for life
and love for others.
But one day, while in college,
a call came, I went numb.
One that I loved was no more.
Cindy was no longer with us,
and though I only knew her less than 2 years,
the hole in my heart was very, very real.
Being there to be a comfort to my family,
heart is aching,
a part has died.
Though I had known her just briefly
for just such a short time,
the pain sought to tear my heart in two!
After she was laid to rest, getting ready to go home,
heart burst, tears suddenly flowed,
I wept and mourned one I had hardly known.
What can I say? What can I do?
With every loss, every good-bye
there is another hole in my heart.
Many people love me. I love them.
Love helps me feel alive.
Love energizes me to help others.
People come, and then they go.
A love betrayed or one's death,
the result is yet another hole in my heart.
Each and every hole, put there by someone else.
Each hole is a love there no more.
Each hole is a permanent 'good-bye.'
Some are gone by choice,
theirs or mine.
But not all…
Some holes are there because
someone who loved me
is no longer alive.
As time goes by, eventually heal.
Kind of…
Sort of…
Over time the sharp pain becomes dull…
Though my heart heals over
there is still the scare of the hole.
Fresh experiences and fresh relationships
bring back love
and the fear of heartache to come.
For one thing I have learned
with every joyful friend,
for each who care for me,
They will eventually leave and be gone.
Be it death, betrayed friendship
or just fading off to the distance.
Every love, every relationship
will have its bitter end.
A hole in my heart.
With all the love and joy that I seek,
there is a bitter pill to take.
Do I even dare to do it again?
Another deep and powerful love arises,
one who wants to be my wife.
To cherish and to love!
But it is a deep love that is betrayed,
It cuts to the very core of my soul
a pain so beyond my words!
I weep, I shake with rage! Wrath!
I think of her, rage boils within!
Nothing can express how I feel!
I want reconciliation, a love to regrow…
Choices have been made,
The dye has been cast.
A marriage over, a grief of one dead
but yet still alive.
A grief beyond words!
Though I know that God loves me
that His love knows no bounds,
and that it is sacrificial...
It is hard to perceive, to understand…
When there are so many holes,
places of loss and of pain.
But yet, through time,
God helps me to move on,
past the brokenness and pain.
Showing posts with label bless. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bless. Show all posts
Thursday, December 3, 2015
Sunday, November 22, 2015
Some Thoughts
It is just after midnight where I at in the Middle East. Once again, I am having one of those nights wheren though tired, I am not able to fall asleep. Since I have not made a blog entry for a whilen I figured that I would do so now.
For what ever reason, this deployment semms to have just dragged on. Unlike my other three deployments, which gelt like they were going quite quickly. And add to the mix a lot of back pain...
I recently put in an application for transferring to another unit in the Nebradka National Guard. The position was Behavioral Health NCO. The more I read sbout the position, the school, and the MOS, the more excited I was about the position. It sounded like it would be a perfect match for my personality, training and experience. But, alas, God did not open that door for me.
Am I disappointed? Yes. But, I trust that God closed that door for a reason. Therefore, I will continue to walk in faith. I do not understand, but I am striving to be obedient.
Worship at the Chapel was pretty good today. The Chaplain used Acts 2:41-47 as the basis of his message. The main theme was on the Early Churches' primary goals.
In fact, he had us do a ministry audit. On a sheet of paper, he had at least 13 different emphasis of ministry, including worship, Biblical teaching, fellowship, etc. What he asked us to do was rate each of them grom 1-4. One would be of least importance and four being most important. He wanted the feedback so that we as a Body of Christ be more focused and effectibe in our ministry on this particular base. I will share more about that later.
Thanksgiving is this week. One of my favorite sayings is, "Give thanks you are not the turkey!" And, yes, that is meant as a joke. But, it is also meant to get one thinking. "About what?"you might ask... Quite a bit, actually.
My hope in making such an absurd comment is to help people look at life from a dlightly different perspective. And, that is something thatvi often have a hard time doing. Being an INFJ, I am sensing the world around me. Not just sounds, colors, smells, but also reading body language, sensing how people feel, etc. When there is a lot going on around me, my senses can easily get overloaded. When that does happen, I have to take several steps back and refocus. Or, sometimes I just have to have alone time to process things and recharge.
During the holidays, it is so easy for a person to get so wrapped up I n the plsnningn preparation, the entertaining, etc., that he/she looses sight of the actual meaning of the celebration. We all do at times.
If you do celebrate Thanksgiving, I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on what you are thankful for. Whether by your self, or with friends and family, make a list of thankfulness. Even if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you csn do this.
When you make your list, post it somewhere where it can be seen. That way you can use it during times of stress to refocus.
As a Christian, God wants me to have a thankful attitude towards Him and towards others. This can be extremely difficult to do. Especially when we are going through difficult times. But, with His help, it can be done. Sometimes, we have to make lists of His blessings as a reminder. Sometimes we have to use humor to change our focus. What are you thankful for?
For what ever reason, this deployment semms to have just dragged on. Unlike my other three deployments, which gelt like they were going quite quickly. And add to the mix a lot of back pain...
I recently put in an application for transferring to another unit in the Nebradka National Guard. The position was Behavioral Health NCO. The more I read sbout the position, the school, and the MOS, the more excited I was about the position. It sounded like it would be a perfect match for my personality, training and experience. But, alas, God did not open that door for me.
Am I disappointed? Yes. But, I trust that God closed that door for a reason. Therefore, I will continue to walk in faith. I do not understand, but I am striving to be obedient.
Worship at the Chapel was pretty good today. The Chaplain used Acts 2:41-47 as the basis of his message. The main theme was on the Early Churches' primary goals.
In fact, he had us do a ministry audit. On a sheet of paper, he had at least 13 different emphasis of ministry, including worship, Biblical teaching, fellowship, etc. What he asked us to do was rate each of them grom 1-4. One would be of least importance and four being most important. He wanted the feedback so that we as a Body of Christ be more focused and effectibe in our ministry on this particular base. I will share more about that later.
Thanksgiving is this week. One of my favorite sayings is, "Give thanks you are not the turkey!" And, yes, that is meant as a joke. But, it is also meant to get one thinking. "About what?"you might ask... Quite a bit, actually.
My hope in making such an absurd comment is to help people look at life from a dlightly different perspective. And, that is something thatvi often have a hard time doing. Being an INFJ, I am sensing the world around me. Not just sounds, colors, smells, but also reading body language, sensing how people feel, etc. When there is a lot going on around me, my senses can easily get overloaded. When that does happen, I have to take several steps back and refocus. Or, sometimes I just have to have alone time to process things and recharge.
During the holidays, it is so easy for a person to get so wrapped up I n the plsnningn preparation, the entertaining, etc., that he/she looses sight of the actual meaning of the celebration. We all do at times.
If you do celebrate Thanksgiving, I encourage you to spend some time reflecting on what you are thankful for. Whether by your self, or with friends and family, make a list of thankfulness. Even if you don't celebrate Thanksgiving, you csn do this.
When you make your list, post it somewhere where it can be seen. That way you can use it during times of stress to refocus.
As a Christian, God wants me to have a thankful attitude towards Him and towards others. This can be extremely difficult to do. Especially when we are going through difficult times. But, with His help, it can be done. Sometimes, we have to make lists of His blessings as a reminder. Sometimes we have to use humor to change our focus. What are you thankful for?
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