Some Civil War Reflections

References:

• ·         The Battle of Gettysburg (https://www.history.com/topics/american-civil-war/battle-of-gettysburg)
• ·         Gettysburg (1993) (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0107007/)
• ·         Ken Burns ‘The Civil War’ (http://www.pbs.org/kenburns/civil-war/)
• ·         Lincoln (2012) (https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0443272/)

Thoughts and reflections…

For those that know me, this will probably not surprise you much.  Fellow INFJs will probably not be surprised, either.  But, as I write this blog entry, I am currently listening to music from the Civil War period.  Yes, I do often really immerse myself into something that greatly interests me.  And, since I am researching things to do on our ‘Learning Vacation’ next year, I am really immersing myself.  And yes, I am very much enjoying it!

Throughout my 40+ years of life, I have worked as a pastor (paid and volunteer roles), been a soldier, worked both law enforcement and corrections, and have visited many different places in Europe and the Middle East.  I have not seen nearly as much as I want to, but I still have seen more than many have.  All of these experiences have deeply enriched my life, even if I did not want some of them.

For example, as a pastor and as Custody Staff at the prison I currently work at, I seek to give people the tools that they need in order to become better people.  Sometimes I am able to engage in very deep and thoughtful conversations.  Other times, I have to spoon-feed people in very basics.  This is true while doing ministry and while working at the prison.  Think that is odd?  I have seen people, while going through very difficult struggles, expose the deep ugliness in their hearts in both places.  As well as see the goodness that they might be trying to hide under their harsh exterior.  This may be surprising to some, even shocking.  Others may be smiling and nodding, having ‘been there and done that…’

I’ve been in the US Army since 2001, working Military Intelligence, Military Police, and several other minor roles.  Having been an Airborne paratrooper with the 82^nd Airborne Division during my first deployment in 2003-04, I have been in harm’s way on numerous occasions.  While serving overseas, I have not been in direct combat, but I have been literately on the edge.  I’ve had rockets explode a block or so from where I was sleeping, I’ve had several vehicle-borne explosives (car bombs) detonate close enough that I very clearly felt the concussion against my whole body, heard the deafening roar of the explosion.  Been ‘on the wall’ at one point of a compound and see tracers about a block away from me go back and forth across the street.  A furious firefight maybe a football field away from my position.

Though I have been blessed with not being actual combat while deployed, I still have lots of experience with dealing with prison violence.  I have been one of the first responders, responding to a fight on many occasions, many of which were fairly bloody.  I have responded to several attempted, and at least one successful suicide attempts.  Many Inmates have come at me in a threatening manner, actively restrained one Inmate attempted to assault another co-worker, had Inmates piss on me, had fecal matter thrown at me…  I’ve had my share of experiences…

And, many of my experiences grossly pale compared to those of others.  I have talked with several people who have seen actual combat.  I have watched numerous movies and documentaries on battles, homicides, etc.  Just like all of my experiences have molded me into the person that I am, I see how the experiences of others have greatly affected them.  Some have learned how to deal with it, some struggle after decades.

To help with my preparations for the ‘Learning Vacation,’ I am watching Ken Burns ‘The Civil War’ (on Netflix) and the movie ‘Gettysburg’ (we own the DVD).  About two weeks ago, we watched the movie ‘Lincoln’ on Netflix.  Each of these films/series have been extremely informative on what the Civil War was all about.  It wasn’t just about State Rights vs. Federal Rights, nor just about Slavery vs. Freedom.  Many people, not just President Lincoln, greatly wrestled with how to do things, whom to trust, what the likely consequences might be, etc.

My son, who is most likely an INFJ like me, absolutely loved watching Lincoln (2012) a few weeks ago.  Since it is not an action movie, but a biography, drama, history movie, I was very impressed with how attentively he watched it.  It is believed by many that President Lincoln was an INFJ, and I believed that they captured that extremely well in the movie.  Not just his quietness and reflective nature, but also how he was able to ‘connect the dots’ more easily than others, be able to evaluate things from different and even opposing perspectives, etc.  Loved it!

Like anyone who has gone through high school and college, I took quite a few classes on the American Civil War.  I though that I had learned a lot.  However, I am realizing just how much I can still learn about that whole experience.  Although slavery and abolitionism have a lot to do with the Civil War, they have their own rich and incredible history.  Are you familiar with William Wilberforce?  If not, I highly recommend looking up that particular English abolitionist.  I have learned some about him and John Newton, former slave trader turned preacher and abolitionist.  Incredible, incredible stories!

After I finish watching this blog entry, I will finish watching Gettysburg with my kids.  After that, I might read some more on Frederick Douglas, or I might try to work on my on-line Army class that I am trying to finish.  I haven’t decided yet.  On top of that, I still have to finish getting ready for work tomorrow.  Lots and lots to do.

I do highly encourage you to read more about Frederick Douglas, William Wilberforce, John Newton, and others like them.  Even if you might not agree with their theological perspectives (I am not sure about Douglas, but Wilberforce and Newton were very devote Christians), there is still a lot that you can learn from their experiences and hardships.

RC

It's a Pain

Scripture References:
• James 1:1-6 NAS
• Matthew 6:25-34 NAS

Thoughts…
As of late, I have been dealing with two significant ‘challengers’ in my life. One being the place that I work at. It is not where I want to work, but as of right now, it is where God is insisting that I stay. The other is chronic lower back pain. And, right now, dealing with both has been fairly difficult. Because of this, these two verses are difficult for me to swallow.

For those who know me in real life, or have been following me for a while, you know that I work at a maximum-security state prison here in Nebraska. I started at this particular prison in January of 2006, left my job in corrections in 2011 to pursue a dream career as a pastor, and when that fell through in 2012, returned to the same prison in 2013. So, I am going on over 10.5 years working as custody staff at this prison.

Although I do my job well, it is not a job that I enjoy doing. Being a strong introvert and an empath, my job is extremely draining physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Due to severe staffing problems, we are working 12-hour shifts, four days a week. Even with a lot of help coming in from another prison, we can barely staff all of the required posts. If that weren’t a problem, it is now going to get more difficult.

Evidently, there are a few people who work at my prison that really, really want to return to 8-hr shifts. So, our union, Nebraska Association of Public Local 61 (NAPE) took the Nebraska Department of Correctional Services and essentially forced us to return to 8-hr shifts. The official date of this return will be the 25th of this month. But, as I said, we do not have the staffing for 12-hr shifts, let alone 3x 8-hr shifts!

Several years ago, in June and July of 2013, we started getting hit with being mandatoried 2-3 times a week. And, since I worked 1400-2200 (2 PM to 10 PM), I would usually get stuck with having to do a whole 16-hour day. And, this lasted at least 6 very, long, weeks! This time around, I fear that it will be even worse with overtime. Back in 2013, our institution had more than 70% seasoned staff (5 years or more of experience). We all knew that it was just a ‘swing of the pendulum, and we lost only a handful of people. This time around, with maybe 20-30% seasoned staff, I am very worried about how many people we may potentially loose.

And, of course, the Inmates are going to see all of us being highly stressed, sleep deprived, low moral, etc. Based on my experience and my intuition, I am expecting things to get really, really bad in the next few months. I know that my intuition is not always right, and I really hope that I am way off this time. I really, really hope that I am wrong about this.

Now, on top of that, I deal with chronic lower back pain. This past May, I celebrated 17 years in the US Army. I started off Active Duty in 2001, but then switched to the Nebraska National Guard in the spring of 2005. Although I sprained both of my ankles numerous times, got a concussion during my first training jump at Airborne school in 2002, and twisted my right knee at least once, things seemed to be going well for me health-wise. But, after my third deployment to Iraq in 2010, I was diagnosed with asthma. Since it was well controlled by medication and I could still run, I didn’t think much of it. Then, fast-forward to 2015, during fourth (and last) deployment. This time, however, I was deployed to Qatar. During this deployment, I started having severe lower back pain. In fact, the first time that I went to sick-call and was on quarters (had to say in my ‘room’), I reached a ‘new 10’ on the pain scale. Keep in my, I have had severe pneumonia, a bad concussion, and a broken arm in my lifetime.

So now, I have to take strong pain medication on a regular basis, and get injections into my lower back, just so that I can function most days. Don’t get me wrong… I am very thankful that things are not so bad that I have had to have surgery. I definitely do not want to have that! However, there are times where I have a lot of difficulty doing everyday things because of the pain; let alone, do my job at work. It has been almost 3 whole years since my chronic lower back pain started.

Scripture can be a very difficult pill to swallow, especially when you are going through very difficult time. ‘Keep it all joy…’ James writes. Rejoice with chronic back pain? Rejoice about a job that you dislike most days, hate on a regular basis, and leaves you so drained emotionally, spiritually, and physically that you can’t do things with your family half the time?! Yeah… That’s a very bitter pill for me to take, on a daily basis. Needless to say, many of my prayers have been very blunt and with very harsh language.

But, there is one thing that does help me deal with all of this, some times. And, that’s reading about the persecuted church in many of the other nations throughout the world (The Open Doors USA is a very good place to start). From the few stories that I have read over the years, my hardest days are often easy compared to some of the things that other fellow Christians have to endure. I guess it’s a matter of perspective… I don’t know… And, it is sometimes very difficult to deal with.

Memorial and Remembrance

Memorial Day is on May 25th of this year. Many of you out there, who celebrate this day, will have BBQ, picnics, visit families, eat big meals, and maybe even watch a parade or go to a ceremony at a cemetery. Some of you will ignore the day, some of you will have to work, and some of you may ponder different things on this day.

I would encourage you to visit this Web Page, which is dedicated to this day. Unlike what many people think, it is not a day dedicated to honoring those who are presently serving (Armed Forces Day) or those who have served in the past (Veterans Day). Memorial Day is set aside to remember those who gave up their lives in service to this country and to protect our freedoms.

I am proud to be serving in the Nebraska National Guard and continue to serve my country. I have been deployed three times and am currently on my fourth deployment. But, Memorial Day is not about me and what I am doing. My Grandfather, MAJ (RET) Earl Underwood SR, who passed away a few years ago, proudly served as a career Army man. But, this day is not about him. Instead, let me tell you about my friend, Kyu Chay.

When I was Active Duty, from 2001-2005, I was stationed at FT Bragg, NC, home of the 82nd Airborne Division. I was a member of the Bravo Company (Blacksheep), 313th Military Intelligence Battalion. Being a Blacksheep, we were attached to 2nd Brigade of the 82nd Airborne Division (this is before things were restructured in 2005). During that time, I was an intelligence analyst and SGT Chay was a linguist (interpreter). We worked together at times and I always enjoyed working with him. He loved a good laugh, wanted to bring out the good of others, and was a very hard worker. Although we didn't hang out together after we were done working, he was someone I highly respected. So did pretty much everyone in our Blacksheep company.

In early 2003, we deployed to Kuwait, waiting for the green light to go into Iraq and remove Saddam Hussein from power. At times we worked near each other, other times we did not. Because we had different roles to play in intelligence gathering, I didn't see the linguists very often. Eventually, in 2004, we returned to the States. I earned my E5 and, within a year, left Active Duty. Although I did keep in touch with some friends from the 'Blacksheep Family,' as we called ourselves, Chay was one that I did not keep in contact with.

Even though not all of us were close friends, all of us who served in B CO Blacksheep were a family because we had served together. Not just in peace time, but during a time of armed conflict. For those who have not been in the military, law enforcement, or similar high risk job, it's hard to understand the kind of 'Family' that we are. And really, it is hard to describe. It's a brotherhood (in the sense of including both men and women) of people that work hard together, protecting each other, fighting for each others' lives so that, with luck and/or God's Grace (depending on your perspective) you can all return home together. Even though I have served with people that I enjoyed working with and with those who really got under my skin (and I am sure the feeling was mutual), I am proud to have served with all of them.

In 2006, I volunteered to deploy with the 867th Quartermaster Battalion, Nebraska National Guard. We started our deployment in Iraq during the summer and was there until the summer of 2007. It was during this time that my wife and I started dating, which was a real high point of my deployment. I learned that Kyu Chay, who had made Staff Sergeant (SSG), was also serving in Afghanistan. It would be his last service to this great country.

At the end of October, 2006, I received an E-mail from a fellow Blacksheep entitled, “Family Tragedy.” It was then that I found out that one of our own had paid the ultimate sacrifice while serving in Afghanistan. He had been killed by a roadside bomb. At first, I just felt a bit numb, shocked really. Here was a guy that I knew, had not been real close friends with, but had served with just three years prior. Not long after that, it just really, really hit me. Honestly, words can't express what it feels like when a brother-in-arms that you know, personally, lays down his or her life. He left behind a wife and two young kids, his parents and a brother. But, he also left behind more than 20 of the Blacksheep Family that had known him and had served with him, and called him a brother.

On Thursday, 21MAY2015, we had a Memorial Day 5K run/walk. When I ran it, I was thinking of Chay. Someone that I knew who had laid down his life for our Country. Even though it was over 90 degrees at night when we ran (it gets hot here in the Middle East), I still ran. Even though my body wanted to stop, I chose to still run. I reminded myself that even though I am not currently on Jump Status, I served as an Airborne Paratrooper for three years, and will always be one. I can push myself. I also reminded myself that, while I am still serving and can run, there are those who have served and gave their lives. They can no longer hold their children, love their spouses, work their jobs, talk with their friends. Therefore, I pushed myself to complete the 5K, even though my body was not wanting to run. I pushed myself because others who came before me are no longer able to. It's part of the reason why I still choose to serve. But, on that Memorial Day Run, I choose to push myself hard to run because Brothers (and Sisters)-in-Arms are no longer able to do so.

During this Memorial Day weekend, I hope you have fun being with friends and relaxing. But, please don't go around thanking those of us who are serving and still alive. Although we always do really appreciate it, help us to remember those who no longer can. Help us to remember the husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, who chose to put on the uniform and sign a blank check for “up to and including my life” in service to this country…...and never came home. It is because of their sacrifices that we remember this weekend. The holes in some of our hearts that will never be filled because one who was Family is no longer there. Let us remember and never forget.